Marital Intimacy: What is Allowed And What Is Not

Islam cares for every aspect of a Muslim’s life and gives him clear guidance regarding all things that will affect this life and the next. Imam Muslim reported that some Jews came to Salman Al-Farisi and said to him: “Your Prophet taught you everything even the etiquette of answering the call of nature.” And he said: “Yes, he did.” In the field of sexual relations, Islam provides complete guidelines prohibiting some practices and allowing others. The purpose of this is to secure the greatest level of happiness and purity in this very important part of life.

The prominent Muslim scholar Sheikh Muhammad Saleh Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Muslim scholar and lecturer, gives a clear account of Islam’s guidance in this field:

“Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which Islam came to explain and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings which elevate it from the level of mere bestial pleasure and physical desire. Islam correlates it with a righteous intention, supplications and proper conduct which elevate it to the level of worship for which the Muslim will be rewarded. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) explains this. Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him) wrote in his book, At-Tibb An-Nabawi (Medicine of the Prophet):

“Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance, whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and fulfillment , and it may fulfill the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created for three basic purposes:

1. The preservation and propagation of the human race, until they reach the number of souls that Allah has decreed should be created in this world.

2. Expulsion of semen which may cause harm to the body if it is retained.

3. Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying sexual pleasure. This alone is the feature that will be present in Paradise, because there will be no bearing of offspring there, and no retention of that which needs to be relieved by ejaculation. The best doctors suggest that sex is one of the means of maintaining good health.

Among its benefits is that it helps to lower the gaze, enables self-control, enables one to keep away from prohibited things, and all this is also achieved for the woman. It brings benefit to a man with regard to this world and the Hereafter, and also benefits the woman likewise. Hence, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to enjoy regular intimate relations with his wives, and he said, “In your world, women and perfume have been made dear to me.” (Narrated by Ahmad and An-Nasa’i).”

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his gaze and protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a protection for him.” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

Important Things to Be Considered When Having Intimate Relations:

1. Having the sincere intention of doing this only for the sake of Allah. One should intend to do this to protect oneself and one’s wife from doing forbidden things, and to increase the number of the Muslim ummah so as to raise its status, for there is honor and pride in large numbers. It should be known that one will be rewarded for this action, even when the people involved obtain immediate pleasure and enjoyment. It was reported from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “When any of you engages in sexual intercourse there is a reward” (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife). They said, “O Messenger of Allah, when any of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for that? He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Do you not see that if he were to do it in a unlawful manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a lawful manner, he will be rewarded.” (Muslim).

2. Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. Almighty Allah says: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how you will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah.” (Al-Baqarah: 223) Most of the interpreters of the Qu’ran say that the phrase ‘but do some good act for your souls beforehand’ refers to the importance of foreplay in increasing interest and making the matter easier.

3. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he should say: “Bismillah, Allahumma janniba ash-shaytan wa jannib ash-shaytan ma razqtana (In the name of Allah. O Allah! Keep us away from Satan and keep Satan away from what You bestow on us (our children)).” The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “If Allah decrees that they should have a child, Satan will never harm him.” (Al-Bukhari)

4. It is permissible for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he wishes, i.e. from behind or from the front, but it is to be noted that it must be in her vagina, which is the place from which the child is born. Allah says: “Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will.” (Al-Baqarah:223)

Jabir ibn `Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “The Jews used to say that if a man had intercourse with his wife in her vagina from behind, the child would have a squint.” Then this verse was revealed: “Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will” (Al-Baqarah: 223). The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “From the front or from the back, as long as it is in the vagina.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

5. It is not permissible for the husband, under any circumstances whatsoever, to have intercourse with his wife in her back passage. It is known that the place of ‘tilth’ is the vagina, which is the place from which one hopes a child will be born. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “He is cursed who has intercourse with women in their back passages.” Anal intercourse goes against the fitrah (natural inclinations of man) and is an action which is revolting to those having a sound human nature; it also causes the woman to miss out on her share of pleasure. The back passage is a place of filth and there are other reasons, which confirm the fact that this deed is forbidden.

6. If a man has intercourse with his wife and wants to repeat the act with her a second time, he should perform ablution, because the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “If any one of you has intercourse with his wife then wants to repeat it, let him perform ablution between the two (actions), for it is more energizing for the second time.” (Muslim).

This is recommended, but not obligatory. If he is able to have ghusl (complete purifactory bath) between the two acts, this would be better, because of the hadith of Abu Rafi` who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) went around his wives one day and did ghusl in this one’s house and in that one’s house. He (Abu Rafi`) said: I said to him: “O Messenger of Allah, why do you not do one ghusl?” He said, “This is cleaner and better and purer.” (Abu Dawud and An-Nasa’i)

7. It is permissible for a person who has to make ghusl to sleep and delay the ghusl until before the time of prayer, but it is definitely recommended for him to perform ablution before sleeping, because of the hadith of `Umar, who said that he asked the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), Can any of us sleep when he is junub (in a state of sexual impurity)? The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Yes, but let him perform ablution if he wishes.” (Ibn Hibban).

8. It is forbidden to have intercourse with a woman when she is menstruating (having her period), because Allah says: “They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is a harm, therefore keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they have purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah has ordained for you (go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in the vagina). Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their prayers, etc.).” (Al-Baqarah: 222).

However, it is permissible for the husband to enjoy his menstruating wife without having intercourse, because of the hadeeth of `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) who said: “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) would tell one of us, when she was menstruating, to wear a waist-wrapper, then her husband would lie with her.” (Muttafaqun Alaih - Agreed upon)

9. It is permissible for the husband to practice `azl (withdrawing the penis to ejaculate outside the vagina) if he does not want to have a child. By the same token it is permissible for him to use condoms, if his wife gives her permission, because she has the right to pleasure and to have children. The evidence for this is the hadith of Jabir ibn `Abd-Allah (may Allah be pleased with him) who said, “We used to do `azl at the time of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him). The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) heard about that, and he did not forbid us.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

It is better not to do that for several reasons, including the fact that it deprives the woman of pleasure or reduces the amount of pleasure for her, and it cancels out one of the purposes of marriage, which is to increase the number of offspring, as mentioned above.

10. It is forbidden for both spouses to spread the secrets of what happens between them in their private marital life. Indeed, this is one of the most evil things. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Among the most evil of people before Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who comes to his wife and has intercourse with her, then he spreads her secrets.” (Muslim)

It was reported from Asma’ bint Yazid that she was with the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and men and women were sitting with him, and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Would any man say what he did with his wife? Would any woman tell others what she did with her husband?” The people remained silent and did not answer. I [Asma'] said: “Yes, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah! They (women) do that, and they (men) do that.” He said “Do not do that. It is like a male devil meeting a female devil in the road and having intercourse with her whilst the people are watching.” (Abu Dawud).

Marital Happiness

Let’s start this lecture by asking a question; does marital happiness have an expiration date? Do you have to love each other passionately before marriage in order to attain true happiness once you are married? Is marital happiness something that cannot be achieved, or is it something fictitious that we read about in books? Marital happiness does exist and it is something that can be achieved. A couple can live happily until they die. Love is like a plant, if you water it, it will grow and if you leave it, it will die. There is actually a simple recipe that can be used to achieve marital happiness. This recipe is composed of five steps or recommendations; one is for the man, the second for the woman and the rest are for both to follow:

1. Provide a Great Deal of Forgiveness, Mercy and Pardon (for the husbands):

Being forgiving and merciful also means rarely losing your temper and it also means that you let a lot of things pass. No matter what happens, a woman will be grateful that her husband did everything he could to not upset her and that he always treats her as though she was the apple of his eye. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said that the best people are not those who pray a lot, cry in their prayers or have memorised the Qur’an, but the best of men are those who treat their wives well. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) then said that in this regard, his is the best. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) never said that he was better in doing anything than anyone, except when it came to treating his wives. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) also said referred to women as glass, because glass is delicate. No matter how many mistakes she makes, you must be ready to forgive and pardon her.

The Prophet’s wife (P.B.U.H.) ‘A’isha once made food for him and told him that it was for him and the companions. She saved up money and then spent it on a meal for the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and his companions. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was very happy and he put the food in a clay bowl and he started calling the companions to come and eat with him. ‘A’isha looked out from her room and saw the happiness and she got jealous. She then came out of her room and kicked the bowl which shattered to pieces. What would you do if your wife did this to you? The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) kneeled on the floor and started picking up the food off of the floor and tried putting it back into the bowl. He then looked at the companions and said, “Your mother got jealous,” in other words he was telling them to just let it go. He then went to speak calmly with ‘A’isha and told her that since she broke a dish she should replace it by making another one. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said all of this without getting angry or raising his voice. Aisha apologised to him and asked him to forgive her. Some homes actually break up because of scenarios similar to this one. In another incident, the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and ‘A’isha got into an argument and he asked her whom she chose to be a judge between them. Eventually, she settled on her father, Abu Bakr. When Abu Bakr came, ‘A’isha told the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) to tell her father only the truth. Abu Bakr got angry; how could the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) say anything but the truth? The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) told Abu Bakr that they did not come here for him to be angry. After the situation ended and Abu Bakr left, he could hear the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and ‘A’isha laugh. Abu Bakr then asked them to share their laughter as they have shared their fight.

A man from the companions had a wife who used to always yell and so he went to talk ‘Omar Ibn Al Khattab for some advice. When he arrived to ‘Omar’s house and was about to knock, he heard ‘Omar’s wife yell at him. When the man heard this he decided to turn around and leave. As he was turning around, ‘Omar opened the door and asked the man why he came. The man told him he was coming to complain about his wife but then he heard ‘Omar’s wife yell as well. ‘Omar then replied and said that his wife tolerated him, washed his clothes, cleaned his home, made him comfortable, and took care of his children. If she did all of this for him, how could he not tolerate her when she raised her voice?

You want the love in your home to increase? Then be ready to be extremely forgiving. The man who doesn’t allow his wife to visit her family will have to answer to Allah (S.W.T.). How can she love him if he won’t let her see her family? Where is the mercy when a man intentionally makes his wife jealous by telling her he will marry another? To a woman this is not a joking matter. Some men keep threatening their wives with divorce. How is then there supposed to be marital happiness? Men who do this are weak. If they were strong they would be able to do what the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and ‘Omar did, they would be able to take control of their homes without using divorce as a threat. All of these things reduce marital happiness of the potential of it. The home is lost when a man and woman treat each other with disrespect. Some men say that they did not insult their wives because they do not consider the word stupid an insult. How can two people who have made a solemn promise to Allah (S.W.T.) swear at each other and push one another around? How can a man beat his wife? The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) never hit a woman. Being merciful does not mean that the man will have a weak personality. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was forgiving and he had a strong personality. A woman cherishes and values a man who is forgiving and she knows who has the weak personality and who has the strong personality. Men who don’t spend time with their wives because they are too busy at work, or who keep to themselves and don’t tell their wives what they are thinking or feeling are not showing mercy. When the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) wanted to go and open Makkah, the only person he told was ‘A’isha because he knew she could be trusted. Men need to be forgiving with their wives when they are pregnant or menstruating; these are times when women most need the support of their husbands.

When ‘A’isha was menstruating, the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) would take the cup and drink from the same spot ‘A’isha drank from. He wanted to drink from the spot that touched her lips to show her that he understands the sensitivity of her situation. Men should also not ask their wives for too many things. Don’t ask her to get up at 2:00 A.M. and cut you some watermelon. Or if both of you are sitting down, go make yourself a cup of tea instead of making her do it. Keep in mind that according to Islam, both the husband and wife are supposed to share the responsibilities in the home since you are partners.

The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was the one who use to milk the goat, fix his shoes, used to go the market and he used to help with the house chores. Allah (S.W.T.) says: “Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.” [Qur'an: 4:19]

There was once a man who complained about his wife to a sheikh in my presence. The man told the sheikh that he could not stand his wife, he could stand looking at her and that he hated her. He didn’t want her but he also didn’t want to treat her with injustice and so he wanted to know if he should divorce her or not. The sheikh replied with one verse from the Qur’an: “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning (or measure).” [Qur'an 39:10]. If you are patient with her, you will not be judged on Judgment Day. A month later, I met the man again and asked him how things were going. The man and his wife were still together and he said that he loved her so much. Earlier, the man thought to himself and decided that he would rather be patient and not be reckoned than divorce his wife. Within a month of his decision he felt as though he loved her in a way he never knew before. He couldn’t believe that he actually thought of leaving her.

2. Listen to Your Husband and Raise His Spirits (for the wives):

Some wives have a habit of constantly nagging their husbands and picking fights. In turn, the husband gets tired and starts neglecting his wife which only fuels more nagging and whining. A man needs someone to talk to about his problems. But he cannot do this if his wife won’t listen because she is too busy nagging and complaining, and this is when he will start looking for someone else to talk to.

When there is a problem, a woman should try to raise her husband’s spirits by telling him not to worry, that Allah (S.W.T.) will be by their side and that she will stand by him. No matter how strong or macho a man is, he will always need a woman’s care and support. It is the wife’s words of support that keep the husband strong and solid.

One of the best ways of keeping a man is to always be there to listen, someone with open arms who can encourage him and raise his spirits. If you do this, your man will not be able to leave you. Try to keep your temper under control and try not to yell often as well, in order to increase your marital happiness. Once a couple swears at each other, or pushes one another, the relationship will forever be scarred. Do whatever you can to not say something that you don’t mean, not to swear and no matter what, do not push one another or hit one another, otherwise you will both start losing everything you had.

Women should look at Khadeejah as an example. What did Khadeejah do that made her one of the few people who was given the good tiding of heaven? Simply, she stood by the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) used to leave Khadeejah and go to the cave for long periods of time. What did she do when he first came running to her after seeing the angel Gabriel for the first time? Any woman who was bitter because her husband would leave her for long periods at a time would have said that he deserved it for spending too much time in some cave. When the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) told Khadeejah that he was afraid for himself, she firmly said that no way would Allah (S.W.T.) leave him or let him down.

If you listen to your husband and try to make this easier for him, he will love you always; who else would he find who would treat him this way? He will also never look at another woman no matter what she looked like or what she did.

3. Develop a Common Goal in the Home (for the husband and the wife):

When a couple live separate lives, so that all he does is work and all she does is raise the children, eventually the love will cool off and disappear. Having a common goal is the water that nourishes the love in marriages. The husband and wife should sit down and find a common goal to work towards together. A 60 year old man had an amazing and loving relationship with his wife, simply because they agreed to help the people in their neighbourhood become closer to Allah (S.W.T.). In another home, the husband and wife were cold towards one another until one day they decided to start a charity for orphans together. As the charity started growing, so did their love for one another because they were doing something good together. A set of parents decided that they wanted to raise their child a certain way so they would both drop him off at computer class and swimming practice and they did everything they could together to achieve their goal.

Your relationship will never cool off or get cold as long as you do things together, because you have a common goal. Relationships fall apart when the couple do not have common interests and when they do not do things together. If you come up with a goal that is associated with doing something for Allah (S.W.T.), then know that you will be happy because it is not an ending goal. Goals like getting an apartment can come to an end, but a goal associated with Allah (S.W.T.) will always be ongoing. Create goals that will benefit those around you and your community and country.

4. Close the Door to the Wickedness and Sins of the World

It is important for the couple to do what they can to protect themselves from the sins and wickedness of the world. Men who ignore their wives for weeks in bed are exposing them to the potential of doing something wrong. ‘Omar Ibn Al Khattab changed the army’s timetable because of this matter. He asked his daughter Hafsa what the longest time a woman could withstand without her husband and she said four months. He then changed the army rules so that no man left for Jihad for longer than four months. ‘Omar did all of this because he over heard a woman saying a poem one night about how much she missed her husband who was away. Many men do not realise how critical this issue is. If you are going to travel, try to take your wife with you or try not to be gone for long. And if you are in the same country and are ignoring your wife for weeks or months at a time, then know that you are sinning. Also know that you are giving your wife the chance to do something wrong.

Men who get satellite or cable into their homes, along with explicit channels, need to know that they are sinning and that they are ruining their homes. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) forbade the husband’s male family members to visit the wife while the husband was away because of all the problems that could occur. For example, the brother in law cannot come and visit the wife on his own and enter her home on his own. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) did this to keep our homes pure and clean.

The first and most dangerous things that ruin the happiness between married couples are the sins that men and women commit with one another. Some men become close with their female co-workers and the relationship keeps developing until it goes too far. When the wife tells her husband not to talk so much with his female workers, he tells her that she is just jealous, when in reality she is right. The devil plays a very smart game that we need to be aware of. What the devil will do is make what you don’t have seem so much more beautiful in your eyes than what you do have. While the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was on his trip from al Isra’a and Miraj, he saw people being offered meat that was good and they left it to eat meat that was bad and rotten. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) asked Gabriel who those people were. Gabriel said they were those who left their wives for what was sinful.

5. Worship Allah (S.W.T.) Together

This is the most important of all. Doing this will guarantee that you and your spouse will be happy together. Allah is the one who created happiness and He is the one who gives it and takes away. Worship Allah (S.W.T.) together and he will fill your hearts with happiness. Once a week, pray two prostrations with your spouse or read the Qur’an together. Allah (S.W.T.) will look and find a husband and wife worshipping Him together. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If a man wakes his wife and prays during the night or they pray two rak`ahs together, they will be recorded among those (men and women) who (constantly) make remembrance of Allah.” This is related by Abu Dawud and others through an authentic chain of narrators.

You can do this anywhere together. While you are in the car on your way somewhere, you can remember Allah together, even if it is just for the first five minutes of your ride. If the last thing you do together before going to bed is worship Allah, do you think you will wake up and fight over a ripped button? If you worship Allah together you will feel as though love is being thrown into your hearts. And it will be a different kind of love, an unusual kind of love.

God willing we want all our homes to be filled with joy and love. We want men who will always call and check on their wives while they are at work. We want women who will be able to sense if something is wrong with their husbands. We want husbands and wives to love each other the way ‘Omar loved Om Kalthoom, so that when ‘Omar died on Monday, Om Kalthoom was so sad that she was dying on Tuesday. She loved him so much that she could not live without him. We want to see married couples that would do everything to please one another and keep the smiles on each other’s faces.

10 Tips on How to Be a Successful Husband

by Muhammad Alshareef

1) Dress Up

Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

(Dress up for your wife when you are at home also. Some brothers only dress up when they go out and that is not a good practice. A husband should dress up for his wife when they are at home. it makes a wife feel special.)

2) Sweet Names

Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

(Remember, you are your wife’s only boyfriend, and her only best friend. She does not go out seeking boyfriends and she shares a halal relationship with you. Love her unconditionally for the sake of Allah. And express your love to her. A woman likes to be told that she is loved. Call her from your work to make sure she is doing fine. I have seen my dad calling my mother several times a day, just to make sure she has been eating well. And my husband calls me at least twice from work to make sure I am doing well. These things are very important in a relationship.)

3) Reward Her Actions

Don’t treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it ‘bugs’ us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day – which brings no attention from the husband – until she does something to ‘bug’ him. Don’t treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

(Whenever there is a fight or argument, just remember all the things she does for you. she cooks for you, she takes care of your home, she takes care of your children and the most important thing is that she guards her modesty. So do not upset her if she is upset with you. Hold her and tell her that you love her. Only your love can repel her anger. Communicate with her and discuss with her if there are any misunderstandings.)

4) Remain Silent

If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives (رضالله عنهنّ). It’s a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

(Do not criticize her all the time. Trust her and trust her decisions. If she is doing something that you don’t like, or that goes against the teachings of Islam, then do advice her gently.)

5) Smile!

Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those ahadith when Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah (prayer), even if he was fasting.

(Do let your wife know that you are very happy and blessed to have her. A wife always wonder how her husband feels about her. She may have some insecurity about you, so make her feel secure. Always give her a hug whenever you come back from work. appreciate her and thank her for taking care of everything whole day. If you are not too tired, go out for star gazing for an hour or so.)

6) Acknowledge Her

Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgment she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don’t let that be; thank her!

(Write thank you notes for her and place those notes in her books, her purse, her socks, and anything else that belongs to her. You can use your own creativity to thank her. You can thank her by writing something on a mirror with her lipstick, so that she can read it when she wakes up in the morning. You can also thank her by arranging a candlelight dinner AT HOME, you be the cook and let her rest. So far I have learned that a nice romantic dinner at home is much better than going out for dinner. This way a couple saves themselves from many fitnahs. You can thank her by writing her letters and emails. Remember, in Islam, everyday is special. So celebrate wife’s day with her, and do it very often without having a particular date. She will always wonder when the wife’s day is going to be.

You can also give her a certificate of appreciation, or a Best Wife Award on wife’s day. Do everything by yourself that day and let her rest, this way you will also know how difficult it could be to do household chores. Thank her by building a webpage for her, write a note there and a poem and then ask her to visit your webpage. Thank her by recording a voice message on a cd for your wife. She will love it!

Thank her by giving her a gift, and a gift does not have to be expensive. Be creative! You do not have to give her Roses, you can give her a leaf too! (My husband gave me a leaf once, instead of roses, and I was very happy and surprised, and I appreciated his creativity). So remember, thoughtful and creative gifts makes a wife feel secure and happy. Thank her by ordering a halal pizza for her, ask the restaurant to cut it in a heart shape and have it delivered with a personalized note. Thank her by thanking her in a family gathering. A woman likes it when her husband gives her attention.

If you visit her parents or your parents, hold her hands and tell your parents how happy you are after marriage. Give your wife an Islamic book as a gift after praying Tahajjud. Use your imagination and think about unique gifts. Remember, she does not need a diamond, she needs your sincerity and your heart, so always give her the gifts that are thoughtful. Whenever you do something to make her happy, observe her facial expressions and ask yourself about how you feel when you become her happiness.)

7) Ten Blessings From Allah

Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don’t have to play a guessing game–ask her and work on repeating those things in your life.

(Also ask her to write down the things you did that she did not like, or the things you did that made her unhappy. Try to not do those things in future. If she falls ill, let her lay down, and read different surahs from Quran while placing your hand on her forehead. When I got sick, my husband recited Qur’an for me, it really helped a lot mashaAllah. Remember, a wife needs her husband the most when she is not feeling well. Take good care of her because a healthy wife makes a healthy family. Do not expect too much from her when she is sick.)

8) Validate her Feelings

Don’t belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah (رضالله عنها) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

(If there is a time of sadness, give her your shoulder to cry on. Hold her and tell her that everything will be fine. Alhamdulillah, my husband and my dad are amongst those Muslim husbands who would even have tears in their eyes if their wives are sad. Remember, a woman does not like to cry alone in a corner. She needs someone to hold her when she is sad, so never let her feel lonely. Remind her the verses from Qur’an that talks about Patience and Piety.)

9) Have Fun!

Be humorous and play games with your wife. Look at how Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) would race his wife Aisha (رضالله عنها) in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

(A sense of humor plays a very important role in a marital relationship. Most women wish to have a husband who has a good sense of humor. Tell her decent and modest jokes that make her happy. A wife appreciates it very much if her husband makes her smile. You can play various games at home. Play with crayons, or have a pillow fight. Or hide different notes in your bedroom and ask her to find it. Think of different games you can both play. Let her win sometimes!

Adopt interesting hobbies, such as reading, cooking together and gardening (grow a surprise rose plant in your garden, when you have the first rose blooming, take her to the garden and show it to her. Newspaper and Sports Issue! Men like to watch sports, or read newspaper. Most Pakistani wives consider newspaper as their co-wives. So be very careful. If you are watching sports, turn the TV off if your wife comes around. Give her attention. Do not spend too much time reading newspaper, and do not read newspaper on the breakfast table, rather have an Islamic discussion. If you want to get her to like newspaper, then try to find something that interests her. Such as, try to find a news about Hijab. Or try to find a news about Muslim women for her.)

10) Be The Best

Always remember the words of Allah’s Messenger (صلي الله عليه وسلم): “The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family.” Try to be the best! In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta’ala knows best!

(And once again: your wife is your best friend, and your girlfriend. Share everything with her. Remember she is your garment and you are her garment, so hide her faults and mistakes. Learn to forgive her. Also communicate a lot with her family. It really makes a difference if husband communicates with his in laws. It helps both husband’s and wife’s family to share a beautiful relationship. Respect her parents and show your love to her family. This will inspire her to love and respect your family. If her family is not muslim, do dawah to them in a beautiful way.)

Spend lots of time praying to Allah swt. Do fast often even if it is not Ramadan. Fasting brings patience and taqwah. Lead her in the prayer. There is nothing better than praying together. Remember Allah, so that Allah remembers you.

May Allah bless us and guide us all. Ameen!

Note: Additions in brackets are notes from a sister.

Nurturing Marital Love

By Syeikh Salman bin Fahd al-'Awdah

He bounded up the stairs so energetically that it was hard for me to believe that here was a man of more than eighty years. He had the vitality of a youth. Then I learned the reason why:

Though he had gotten married back in 1947 when he was about thirty years old, he was able to say to me: “I do not recall that I ever once got angry with my wife or that she was even once annoyed with me. And if I had a headache, it was impossible for her to sleep until after I fell asleep.”

Then he said with feeling: “I can never think of going out somewhere, even to purchase some household needs, without taking her with me and holding her hand. It is as if we are newlyweds.”

When, due to a medical operation, she had become unable to bear children, he said to her: “You are more precious to me than children.”

He told me: “As long as she walks upon the Earth, I could never even think of marrying anyone else.”

That man is a good example of how devotion can last even into old age. Unfortunately, when we look at the state of the majority of people of any age, we can appreciate that his relationship is a rarity indeed, a sort of ideal.

Of course, we do not have to be held to such an ideal. Moreover, we should not go to our spouses and expect them to be like that when we ourselves have so many shortcomings.

Marriage is love and affection. Allah says: “He created for you mates from among yourselves so that you can seek comfort in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.”
[Surah al-Rum: 21]

This is why each sex is drawn to the other in the first place, as if each person is looking for his missing other half.

When the wife of the famous jurist Abu Rabi`ah died, he carried out her burial himself and had to wipe the dirt from his own hands. However, when he returned home, he was overcome with grief and lamented to his Lord, his eyes filling with tears: “Now…my home has died as well. The home only lives for the woman who dwells inside it.”

Marital love requires extraordinary effort from both parties if it is to last and remain vital. The difficulty of marital love does not lie in those small disagreements that are a normal part of everyday life and that all couples haves to work out. Indeed, such problems sometimes revitalize the relationship, like spice in a savory dish.

The real problem lies in three things:

1. The inability of one person to understand the other. Indeed sometimes a person even has difficulty understanding his own self.

2. The inability of a person to adapt to the partnership that is marriage and the inability to cope with the life changes that it brings. Many people expect things to remain the same as they were before.

3. The most important problem is a lack of commitment to the relationship and to making it last. This is why it is necessary for people to understand “the rules of the game” when it comes to love.

Ten ways to achieve lasting love

Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it is imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve it.

Husbands and wives must do the following:

1. They have to get in the habit of saying things that are positive, like offering compliments and like making little prayers for each other.

A husband could say to his wife: “If I were sent back to the days of my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyone besides you.” Of course, the wife can easily say something similar to her husband.

Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have, indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain access to what is not theirs.

Sweet words arouse a woman’s heart. A husband should take care to say them to his wife before someone else does.

2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habit of doing those little things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife asleep, he can cover her and tuck her into bed.

A husband can give his wife a call from work just to say hello and to let her know that he is thinking about her.

If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working even though he is asleep and he may very well be aware of it.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little things, “…even the morsel of food that you place in your wife’s mouth…” [Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]

It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding to the expenditure of a man for his wife’s needs. Nonetheless, the Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet peace be upon him) conducted himself with his family.

This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the people involved. It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a lot of effort.

A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed just hearing about them and may prefer to leave matters the way they are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that he might see as ridiculous.

Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if we do not want our problems to go on forever.

3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each other. They should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times. Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had happened only yesterday. They should talk about the future and share their hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present, both the good and bad of it, and discuss different ways to solve their problems.

4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship. This is not just for times of intimacy, but at all times, like when sitting in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless of the fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed to have people see them walking in public with their wives at their sides.

5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it is required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she may need her husband to lend her a little moral support. He should take her mental state into consideration. Medical experts attest to the fact that when women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they suffer from psychological stress that can aversely affect their behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her husband’s support. She needs him to let her know how much she means to him and how much he needs her in his life.

Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of difficulties. The wife must take these things into consideration. If people want their relationship to last, they must let each other feel that support.

6. There have to be some material expressions of love. Gifts should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive, but it has to be appropriate for the other’s tastes and personality; something that will be cherished.

7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more tolerant of each other and overlook one another’s shortcomings. It should become a habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and not even bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is a sign of noble character.

A woman said to `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her): “When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about what might have happened.” [Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]

Ibn Hajar Al Asqalani explains her words as follows:

They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does no make a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth. If he brings something for the house, he dies not enquire about it later on. He does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might see at home but instead is clement and tolerant.

It is wrong to go overboard in considering the faults of others but when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our good qualities.

There is a tradition that goes: “One of you sees the dust in his brother’s eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own.”

8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding when it comes to matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children, work, travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the marital relationship.

9. Husbands and wives need to do things to liven up their relationship. Each one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments, decorating their home, and in relating to each other both openly and intimately. These are the things that keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.

10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing one’s spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of other men. Some even compare them with the faces they see in magazines and on television. Women also compare their husbands with other women’s husbands in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and it can ruin the marital relationship.

If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those who have less going for them than ourselves. Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Look towards those who are beneath you and do not look towards those who are above you. This is better so that you do not belittle Allah’s blessings.” [Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]

We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we have will be a lot if we utilize it well.

It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss and go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful in what they say. They just like to brag.

The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because we are not looking at it up close.

Concept Of Love From The Quranic Perspective

"Indeed, We have sent down for you (O mankind) a Book, (the Qur'an) in which there is Dhikrukum, (your Reminder or an honour for you i.e. honour for the one who follows the teaching of the Qur'an and acts on its teachings); Will you not then understand?" (Al Anbiya':10)

Do we have a free will to select our life partner? Are we permitted to Love someone? Is it acceptable for girls to have boy friends and for boys to have girl friends? What is the criteria for selecting a life partner? Following is a discussion of such questions from a Qur’anic perspective.

Free consent for Marriage

The Qur'an informs us that women cannot be forced to get married and thus they have the right to express their will. The following Ayah (verse) tells us;

" O you who believe! You are Forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness that you may take away part of the Mahar (dower) you have given them -except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings about through it a great deal of good." (An Nisa':19)

In Surah An Nisa', the believing man is also given the permission to marry women of his choice, thus he too can excersize his free will. As reminded;

" If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one. Or what your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice." (An Nisa':3)

Thus both, believing women as well as men have been given the right to have a say in their marriage, i.e. women cannot be married forcefully and men also have been given the right to marry women of their choice.

Then again in Surah An Nisa' Ayah 21, marriage has been identified as a Meesaq (Contract) that women have taken from men:

" And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?" (An Nisa':21)

A contract or covenant requires the free consent of both parties in agreeing to that contract.

An agreement in which a person is forced to do something against his or her will, does not constitute a Meesaq or contract.

If the woman has been forced into getting married or the will of the man has been manipulated by coercion then such an agreement does not become a contract or Meesaq. Thus for a contract of marriage to come about, both parties i.e. the man as well as the woman have to use their free will in coming to terms and agreeing to live the rest of their lives with each other. If out of these two any one is forced or does not have their free will involved then such would not constitute a Meesaq.

This should clarify that a believing man or woman does have the right to accept or reject his or her would be husband or wife.They do have the right to express their will.

The Limit of Love

First of all we need to ascertain as to what do we mean by the term loving someone? That 'someone', do we like his or her physical appearance? Or do we mean we like his or her character traits? Or what his or her views are about life and many other things? Do we like the background he or she is coming from? Their economic status?

All of us do have feelings and emotions in us. We are not rocks or made of stones, we do have feelings, we cry when we get hurt, smile when we are happy, get depressed when something happens against our wishes, all these feelings are within us, but we should not let these feelings and emotions rule our lives. The feelings are there, no denying that, but they have to be kept within the limits ordained by Allaah.

We should not let these feelings rule our lives. There has to be a balance between our feelings and emotions and our reason and intelligence. We should be constantly aware of our duties and responsibilities and they should not be neglected by feelings and emotions overcoming our minds.

When a person is emotionally worked up, i.e. he or she is under the influence of emotions like love, anger etc. Then that person cannot use his or her faculty of reasoning and intellect in ascertaining things. He or she will only listen to what the emotions are telling, no matter how much you try to make such persons to understand, they will not analyze things logically and with reasoning until their emotions are settled down.

We should let our feelings be subdued and look at things in a more practical, reasonable and logical way.

Usually with young people this is difficult to understand, but with the passage of time, when one attains some maturity we do realize these things.

Now about the issue of whether we can like (love) someone, the Qur'an has laid certain conditions for loving people as well. All of us do have these emotions in us, after all it is Allaah Himself who has given these to us, but we cannot surpass the law of Allaah in that love. Our total devotion and dedication has to be for the cause of Allaah. We often hear the very common expression that people under the influence of emotions say to each other, something like; "I will give my life for you" or "you are my everything" etc. Such devotion is not allowed by the Qur'an.The Qur'an renounces such people, who are so infatuated.

Allaah informs us through His Messenger;

" Yet there are among people who take others besides Allaah as equal (with Allaah): THEY LOVE THEM AS THEY SHOULD LOVE ALLAAH. But those who believe, love Allaah more (than anything else). If only, those who do wrong could see, when they will see the torment, that all power belongs to Allaah and that Allaah is Severe in punishment." (Al Baqarah:165)

The Believer in the message of Qur'an cannot be totally devoted to someone rather than the cause of Allaah. His or her goal of life is mentioned in the following verse;

" Say:' Surely my Salat and my solitude and MY LIFE and MY DEATH are (all) FOR ALLAAH, the Sustainer of the Universe" (Al An'aam:162)

The above verse should be the motto of a true believer, and a person who maintains such principles, can he give his total love and devotion to someone else?

We cannot surpass the law of Allaah in having any feelings or considerations for any one, no matter how close relations they may have with us. We (The believers in the Qur'an and Sunnah) are strictly reminded;

" Say: 'If your FATHERS and your SONS and your BRETHERN and your SPOUSES and your RELATIVES and the WEALTH you have acquired and the TRADE whose dullness you fear and the HOMES in which you are satisfied, if you LOVE any of these more than ALLAAH AND HIS MESSENGER AND THE STRIVING IN HIS CAUSE, then wait until ALLAAH brings about His order; and ALLAAH guides not the oppressing people." (At Tawbah:24)

To the believers, the cause of Allaah is what matters the most, the way of life that is prescribed for them in the Qur’an, they don't make any compromises with anyone against that way of life, even to their very loved ones. Such quality of theirs is identified by Allaah Himself:

" You shall not find a people who believe in Allaah and the last day LOVING those who act in opposition to Allaah and His Messenger, even though they were their (own) FATHERS, or their SONS, or their BROTHERS, or their RELATIVES; these are they into whose hearts He has written belief , and whom He has strengthened with a spirit from Him: and He will cause them to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow, abiding therein; Allaah is well-pleased with them and they are well-pleased with Him these are Allaah's party: now surely the party of Allaah are the successful ones." (Al Mujadilah:22)

The criteria for selecting a life partner

The Qur'an is very clear about what to consider in selecting a life partner.The following verse informs us:

" And DO NOT MARRY those women who associate others with Allaah (mushrikat) UNTIL they believe, and certainly a believing maid is better than a woman who associates (mushrikah) , even though she should please you; and DO NOT give (believing women) in marriage to those men who associate with Allaah (mushrikeen) UNTIL THEY BELIEVE, and certainly a believing servant is better than a man who associates with Allaah, even though he should please you; AND THESE (MUSHRIKEEN) INVITE YOU TO THE FIRE, and Allaah invites to the garden and to forgiveness by His will, and makes clear His Ayat (verses) to Mankind, that they may be mindful." (Al Baqarah:221)

The above verse negates the concept of beauty or physical attraction, along with wealth or economic status of a person, and establishes that it is Imaan i.e. Belief and conviction on the Quranic laws that should be the point to consider in selecting a life partner.

Making boyfriends or girlfriends

The Believers are informed in the Qur'an that they are to maintain a modest lifestyle and are discouraged from having paramours. An important injunction concerning those with whom marriage is permissible is that they should not have any paramours.:

" This day (all) the good things are allowed to you; and the food of those who have been given the Book is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them; and the chaste from among the believing women and the chaste from among those who have been given the Book before you (are lawful for you); when you have given them their dowries, taking (them) in marriage, not fornicating NOR TAKING THEM FOR PARAMOURS; and whoever denies belief, his work indeed is of no account, and in the hereafter he shall be one of the losers." (Al Ma'idah:5)

Secret affairs and intimacy of this sort is not permitted by the Qur'an. It is clearly reminded regarding those women with whom the contract of marriage is sought:

" There is no blame on you if you make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts. Allaah knows that you cherish them in your hearts: But do not make a secret promise with them except that you utter a recognized matter…" (Al Baqarah:235)

Believing women are also reminded what type of behavior they are to maintain with un-related men:

" O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner." (Al Ahzab:32)

Believing men are also reminded to maintain a modest behavior:

" Say to the believing men that they restrain their gaze and guard their private parts; that is purer for them; surely Allaah is Aware of what they do." (24:30)

TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE CAUSE OF ALLAAH

To a believer the first preference in life is the Cause of Allaah, he or she is totally dedicated to that cause and cannot have any emotional considerations which would neglect their duties as believers. The above verses are very clear in indicating this aspect. I would like to repeat that verse again which clearly expresses the agenda of a Believer in the Qur'anic message:

" Say. Surely my Salat and my solitude and MY LIFE and MY DEATH are (all) FOR ALLAAH, the Sustainer of the Universe." (Al An'aam:162)

Total dedication to Allaah.This is what is required to be a Believer.

Selecting a Marriage Partner

Marriage is recommended for partners who share a common way of life. The matrimonial partners should be able to fulfill their purpose of creation as defined by Allaah. They should be able to effectively carry out their responsibility as care-takers (khalifah) of earth. They should share the common goal of building a well integrated Muslim community and be able to work harmoniously towards it.

CRITERIA FOR SELECTING A MARRIAGE PARTNER

Normally the criteria for selecting matrimonial mates are many: wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion, etc. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and pure (tayyib)

" Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"(An Nur:26)

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (Deen) and character.

" A woman may married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Al Bukhari and Muslim)

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) assured the bounty of Allaah to those who wish to get married and live a pure and clean life.

" Three groups of people Allaah obliged Himself to help them: Mujahid in the cause of Allaah, a worker to pay his debt, and the one who wants to marry to live a chaste life" (At Tirmidhi)

Freedom to choose a Marriage Partner

Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married. The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration:

" ..do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner." (Al Baqarah:232)

The process of mate selection should be a function of a healthy balance between the freedom of choice of the would-be-spouses and consideration of the influence and consent of the parents/guardians.

The freedom of choice of those who wish to get married should not preclude the influence and consent of the parents/guardians nor should the parents/guardians ignore the wishes and consent of the would be spouses.

Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mate, the would-be-spouses are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) recommended:

" When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so". (Abu Dawood)

The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives. This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety and modesty.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) instructed:

" No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram" (Ahmad)

The would-be-spouses residing in non-Muslim societies are recommended to enter into a pre-nuptial commitment to safeguard Islamic values and Muslim personal law.

When Parents Don't Approve

By Dr. Aneesah Nadir

Getting Married

Parental disapproval of their adult child’s mate selection is a big problem for the fictional ‘Ali and Khan families.

Mrs. ‘Ali wants her daughter to marry a doctor from their culture. Mr. ‘Ali thinks the person his daughter is interested in is not good enough for her. Their daughter Amina argues:

“He’s a good Muslim, and he cares about me. Just because he isn’t a doctor it does not mean he cannot support our marriage”.

Mrs. Khan thinks the girl her son wants to marry is not good enough for him. Her son Tariq says:

“Mother I love you, and I value your opinion. I realize Mariam is not from our culture but she is a good Muslim, I care for her, I want to marry her and I want your blessing”.

Arguments over differing perspectives regarding who our children should marry impact on healthy family relationships, which often leads to future marriages starting off with a really rough start.

The Prophet (salallaahu 'alayhi wasallam), reminded us that people marry for four reasons-beauty, wealth, status and piety. The qualities of piety or strong faith are considered to be the best reasons to marry. However, even though the person you want to marry is a good Muslim sometimes your parents feel he or she is just not suited for you or they just can not get past some of their personal or cultural preferences and expectations about who you should marry.

So, what should you do when your parents don’t approve of the person you want to marry even though he or she is a good Muslim?

· Of course you could argue with your parents and ruin your relationship with them.

· You could determine that you plan to marry the person you’ve chosen whether they like it or not.

Both of these strategies have challenging consequences. Marriage is difficult enough when you have your parents support. Married people need the support of family and friends. Starting off your marriage without your parents support can cause undue stress in the new relationship.

You risk blaming your spouse for the discord between you and your parents. It inevitably pulls the family apart at a time when the newlyweds need the most support. Yet, what are you to do when you really care for the person you want to marry, and you want to maintain the pleasure of your parents?

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

· Try to soften your parents’ hearts by showing patience, kindness and generosity to them. Have someone they respect talk with them to try persuade them to consider the person you have chosen to marry. See if that family friend or ustadz can encourage your parents to see how much you love each other, and want to establish a marriage built on strong faith (imaan) and God consciousness (taqwa).

· Spend time developing your personal relationship with Allaah and the Prophet Muhammad (salallaahu 'alayhi wasallam). Get to know Allaah, and what he wants for you. Spend time in sincere prayer and worship.

Tahajjud and Fajr prayers are among the best times to spend sincerely calling on Allaah for guidance. Get to know Allaah by getting to know his 99 names. Spend time pondering over His signs in creation. Spend time reading, reciting and pondering over the words He left for us in the Qur’an.

· Get to know the family life of the Prophet (salallaahu 'alayhi wasallam), as the best example of family life. Work to implement as many of the Prophet’s behaviors and characteristics in your family even before you meet your future spouse. Practice his example on your parents, your siblings and other relatives. The Prophet’s kind treatment, patience, care and concern for his family are examples we should all work to emulate.

· In addition to developing your relationship with Allaah spend time improving your relationship with your parents. Spend time with your parents. Visit them regularly. Have dinner with them often. Participate in mosque and community activities with them regularly. Join them for their special events and projects.

Demonstrate your concern for them. Talk with them about the kind of person you would like to marry, the characteristics you would like your future spouse to possess so that your choice is not a surprise, and they feel you have involved them by sharing your thoughts with them.

Communication, love and respect between parents and young adults are a secret ingredient for a healthy relationship. Pray to Allaah to guide you to the person who will love you and your parents. Pray that your parents will come to know and love the person Allaah chooses for you.

· Serve your community while you are waiting for Allaah to send you the person He has chosen for you. There are so many needs to address in our communities. Join an organization that addresses poverty, homelessness, hunger environmental problems, youth development, or global warming.

Not only has Allaah placed a trust on each of us as stewards or khalifa, staying active while working on a good cause will hopefully give you time to put your marital choice into perspective. Allaah has a plan for you.

· Remember that your ultimate goal should be to fulfill what Allaah wants for you.

· Exercise patience. Be patient and ask Almighty Allaah to help you recognize the person that is truly right for you, that fears Allaah, and loves you and your parents. Ask Allaah to bless your parents to accept and love the man or woman He sends for you and not put up obstacles to your marriage.

May Allaah make it easy for those who are facing this predicament, and may Allaah grant us Mercy and ease in our hearts.

Tips For A Happy and Successful Marriage

by Dr. Aisha Hamdan

Ten ways of increasing happiness in your marriage and making it a successful one

The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.

Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often

Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allaah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allaah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.

Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam

Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.

Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations

Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allaah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.

Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse

Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said, " A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)

Be Your Mate's Best Friend

Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.

Spend Quality Time Together

It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

Express Feelings Often

This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.

Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness

Just as we ask Allaah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.

Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past

It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.

Surprise Each Other at Times

This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

Have a Sense of Humour

This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.

Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:

Begin with the intention to resolve the issue . If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.

Remember that it takes two to quarrel . If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.

Both spouses should not be angry at the same time . If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire . Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled . This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate . Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.