Lazy Boy - It's All in Your Mind!

by Muhammad Alshareef

During the time of Prophet Muhammad (salAllaahu alayhi wasallaam), an incident happened in which a man slept the entire night and he missed the Fajr prayer. Despite the fact that this is a very common occurrence in our present day, at that time such things rarely happened. He missed Fajr, and so they came and spoke to the Prophet (salAllaahu alayhi wasallaam) about this.

‘Abdullaah ibn Mas’ood, radi Allaahu anhu narrates: A man came and said to the Prophet (salAllaahu alayhi wasallaam), “Oh Messenger of Allaah, verily a person slept last night until the morning, until the dawn came and he missed Fajr.”

The Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam replied,

“This is a person whom the devil has urinated in his ears.”

Dear brothers and sisters, try going to any books of hadith and in each and every one you will find a chapter entitled Baab al-Isti’aadhah Minal Kasl. Translated, this chapter is called: ‘Chapter of Seeking Allaah’s Protection from Laziness.’

Kasl, or laziness, also known as procrastination, is a disease. University students know what procrastination can do to their studies. It is a disease that afflicts the minds, after the mind, it then afflicts the heart, and finally, through the heart, the body is afflicted.

Today, you will learn that laziness is a technique used by syaitan, and today you will learn the techniques you can use to combat it.

The Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam frequently made the following supplication:

“Oh Allaah, I seek your protection from, alajz”

Alajz – which means the inability to do something. And when someone said, “I can’t do that,” The Prophet salAllaahu alayhi wa sallam would seek protection from such negative speech by adding:

“and I seek your protection (Oh Allaah) from alkasl”

Alkasl - which is translated as laziness.

At its core this society is built on laziness. Consider that it is a society based on the idea that we have to rest on Sundays. “Why do you have to rest on Sundays?” some may ask, and society (may Allaah protect us from this) would answer that even Allaah got lazy on Sunday. He did His work all week long; He built the heavens and the earth, and then on Sunday He got tired and rested. So, may Allaah protect us. Contemporary culture has us resting and watching football games on Sundays.

Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala testifies to the lunacy of such an idea, implicitly stating that

…there is no drowsiness and no sleep that comes to Him
(Al-Baqarah 2:255).

In addition, we live in a society that lives for ‘fast and easy’. You have the fast food joints, even the microwave meals that take 5 minutes are considered tedious because you have to take it out after a couple of minutes and stir it before it is finished cooking. Ever hear the promises to have the perfect body in ten minutes for only three days a week? Examples abound. And in its quest for ‘fast and easy’, society does not realize that the root of its problems, indeed, the root of all major sins, lies in laziness.

Why would a person take alcohol and drugs? They are too lazy to change their situation. Instead of actively striving for change, they take a drug to immediately change it. Why do people practice black magic, a phenomenon that is, unfortunately, prevalent in many of our parent’s societies? They do it because they are too lazy to go out and get married, or they’re too lazy to influence people in ways that will accomplish their various goals. Why do people partake in ribaa’ (mortgages as an example) and deal with financial interest? They are too lazy to get a proper job and work to pay for something honestly. Why do people gamble? They addictively buy lottery tickets at ridiculous odds of winning in the hopes that their one dollar will instantly earn millions. Laziness is again the culprit. Why do people backbite? People backbite because they are too lazy to go and tell the person the truth. And these, dear brothers and sisters, are all major sins.

Thus, like a poison, laziness corrupts all good things.

There are beautiful and amazing things that you want to do for yourself, or do for Allaah subhaahanu wa ta’aala. Your intention is good, but if you don’t have the energy, or you suffer from the laziness plight, your desires will go nowhere; they will bear no fruit.

The causes of this disease, called laziness, are rooted in the heart.

Firstly, a lazy person doesn’t know and doesn’t understand his or her need to accumulate good deeds. We understand the need to accumulate money, but we may not understand why or how to accumulate good deeds. Very few people understand that this life is about collecting deeds and preparing for the journey of the hereafter.

Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala advises,

…to prepare your provisions (for the journey to the hereafter) and the best provision is taqwa (fear/piety) of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala
(Al-Baqarah 2:197).

Secondly, people are discouraged by the thought that others will consider them ‘holier than thou.’ Or perhaps the problem is that some people think too highly of themselves, glorifying themselves to such a high level that when they hear the commandments of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala they reply by justifying their laziness with excuses like, “My heart is clean,” or “Why do I have to do that,” or “I’m a good person.” Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala states:

Do not claim piety to yourselves
(An-Najm 53"32).

If someone says, “I’m good,” the response should be, “Allaah knows best who is true, who is righteous.”

Indeed, those who suffer from laziness don’t understand the gold mine of opportunity awaiting them. There are thousands of people around you waiting to hear the call of Islam. You are living among sponges ready to listen to you say, “I am a Muslim.” And they are going to ask, “How can I become one too?”

A brother I knew overseas said it perfectly: “The North Americans have such enormous prospects. Imagine teaching a new Muslim Surah al-Fatiha, or how to pray. You will get the reward for this most noble lesson each time the person recites this surah. You can’t do that in Muslim countries, although there are other different opportunities there, most people don’t recognize them and this leads to laziness.”

Know that this concerns you, and if you start demonstrating the energy and zeal it takes to worship Allaah to the best of your ability, then you will be the one to benefit.

This is your life; this is your soul. You are only going to live once on this earth, and you’ll be traveling to the hereafter with a suitcase of good deeds. Hopefully, you won’t be traveling light. The one who understands this early on, the one to get on the bandwagon of the worship of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala early on, accumulates everything.

Be a pioneer; bring Islam to everyone.

And so they come on the day of resurrection and they see mountains of good deeds that they never imagined they would have had and it will be said to them this is because you weren’t lazy when other people were lazy.

Recognize the opportunity, seize it, and kick start the worship of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala by others.

But if you choose not to heed these words, to yawn, and to be lazy, you are turning your back on the words of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala. And the consequences will be grave, for the sunnah of creation, indeed the law of nature, stipulates that that which does not contribute will be destroyed. What do you do with weeds in your garden? You pull them out, you get rid of them. What do you do when your nails get too long, when there is no purpose to their length? You snip them off, discard them in the trash. And so it is, as a community and as individuals in that community, if we are not contributing, and if we are not energetically producing, we will be deemed useless and we will be eliminated.

Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala says:

In this way, He gives forth the parable of the truth and falsehood and the vanity. Vanity is like the foam, the dirt on the ocean (there is no benefit to it). But the things that do bring benefit (those devoid of laziness) will remain steadfast in the land
(Ar-Ra’d 13:17).

Even after you are gone, your good deeds will continue to benefit.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that Allaah pays attention to the lazy one’s worship. Prophet Muhammad sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam said:

“Do those deeds that you are able to perform, for verily, Allaah will not tire of your ‘ibadah (worship) until you tire.”

Ponder the phenomenon of those who make du’a absentmindedly, not knowing what it is that they are saying. They may even be yawning, confused, or focused on something else entirely. Allaah is not paying attention to that person just like they are not paying attention to their du’a. That is a du’a that is not answered by Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala. A du’a that is answered is the one where the person’s heart and energy are invested in it. Allaah will listen. If you can consistently take your du’a to that level, you’ll see dramatic changes in your life.

When I was younger, there was an imam from overseas who came to lead the taraweeh prayers in Ramadan. We would have to pick him up at Fajr time and drive him to the masjid. One early morning, I was feeling particularly tired and lazy. My parents had an especially hard time waking me up. Yet, when we arrived at the Imam’s house, I noticed that the neighbors were in the midst of an all-night party. It was 5 am and their lights were blaring, their music was booming, and the party-goers were still drinking their alcohol. They’d spent the entire night awake in qiyaamul layl, but not to Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala. Their worship was for the devil.

I remember thinking to myself that this disbeliever has the stamina and energy to waste the night away, how can the servant of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala not have the energy and ability to worship Him? After all, they too are humans like us.

‘Umar ibn al-Khattab radi Allaahu anhu is quoted as saying, “I seek Allaah’s protection from the time when the fasiq or disobedient will have much energy and enthusiasm and the righteous will be lazy.”

The fasiq will open up bars everywhere and run his houses of immorality with vigor. And the righteous will do little to nothing in the sake of Allaah. When this happens, there is an imbalance on earth, and corruption will be widespread and prevalent.

Brothers and sisters, let me tell you about the blessedness of having energy and enthusiasm in worshipping Allaah and what it will do for you.

Number 1:

The extra energy will win you the pleasure of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala.

Musa alayhis salaam was told to come to the mountain for 40 days. And come he did, not walking slowly, not ten minutes late, but running. In explaining his arrival, Musa said,

I came hastily to you, oh Allaah, so that you will be pleased with me
(Taha 20:84).

And indeed, his words were so pleasing to his creator that Allaah recorded them in the Qur’an for all eternity.

When you hear a name of a prophet’s companion, you say, “May Allaah be pleased with him.” Well, this is how you get that same distinction for yourself. Be hasty in your desire and actions that lead to goodness.

Number 2:

Having energy is the characteristic of the believer. Being lazy is the characteristic of the hypocrite.

Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala says the munafiq, or hypocrite is he who has disbelief in his heart, while outwardly claiming belief. Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala describes them in the following verse:

If they get up for the salah (prayer), they get up with laziness
(An-Nisaa’ 4:142).

“Give me ten more minutes…give me ten more minutes… oh! I missed Fajr…oh no. I’ll pray after Fajr. Give me ten more minutes…give me ten more minutes…”

A characteristic of hypocrisy is when they reach for that snooze button and get up lazily for prayer. In this moment they’re experiencing a state of nifaq or hypocrisy. May Allaah protect us.

May He also protect us from using excuses to not follow through with our deeds.

A Canadian may say it’s too cold; an African will say it’s too hot. Both are making excuses for not doing good actions. It was summer in the desert during the time of the Battle of Tabuk, and there was a walking distance of what is today a seven-hour car trip from Madinah to Tabuk. The Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam was rallying his troops for an exhaustive trek that, back then, would have taken months.

Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala says,

…they (the hypocrites) encouraged people not to go with the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam by saying, “Do not go out in the heat.” Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala’s response was to tell them, “The fire of hell is much hotter; if only they understood”
(At-Tauba 9:81).

Ibn al-Jawzee, may Allaah have mercy on his soul, said, “I have never seen a flaw sadder to me than a community whose people stop working, despite having the ability to continue.”

PART II

The ramifications of laziness can be very harmful. Some of you may have come across a person who displays a genuine interest in Islam. That person may be about to take the shahada when syaitan gets to him and her. An excuse the devil uses is, “You have to comprehend the Qur’an first.” Hence the would-be Muslim is convinced that they do love Islam, but perhaps further study is required. And so it is that he or she delays coming back to Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala, and as time passes they may no longer possess the same enthusiasm.

Similarly, Muslims seeking to make repentance to Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala might give themselves time by saying, “Let me wait till I pay off my mortgage (or pay off my student loans. Let me wait till I do this, let me wait till I do that) then I will repent to Allaah.” But it doesn’t work like that because as time passes and sins grow, the heart consistently gets weaker and weaker. A time will come when the person knows it’s the last chance, but the heart may have already been sealed shut.

And as Prophet Muhammad sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam said:

“Race to good deeds before a time and a fitnah (test) comes that will sweep over you like the darkest of the darkest nights.”

Are not the trials apparent all around us?

Look to the Islamic educational scene. Scholars we may or may not know are being singled out by the dozens. Religious knowledge is being taken from us. If you have the chance to attend a halaqah, or an Islamic class, you have to race to it now! It may be that you won’t have another chance.

Fitnah (trials & tribulations) will come to you, and you must survive it with whatever knowledge you hold. It may be that the knowledge you possess will suffice to protect you, and it may be that it will not be enough to avail you. The consequences thereof would be disastrous, and may eventually lead to hellfire. May Allaah protect us.

Picture this analogy: In Australia they have sharks that prey near the coastline. To warn bathing humans of impending danger, they have a certain whistle that rings when a shark is sighted. Now imagine if you’re feeling sluggish or you’re playing a game trying to see how long you can hold your breath under the water. You don’t hear the warning sound, and then you raise your head out of the water, and notice that nobody is in it except you. Everyone has made it to shore, they are yelling for you to hurry, but you are ten minutes from the beach. How would you make it? Would you make it? Only Allaah knows for sure, but that’s exactly what laziness does to you. It not only renders you unprepared, but also helpless as to the actions you must take in order to survive.

But today is a new day, and by the grace of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala you and I can learn to let go of that laziness. We will work with renewed energy, striving to return to the worship of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala.

Here are some techniques to use.

Number 1: Yawning Promotes Laziness

Yawning is from the devil. And when it comes to us, we must fight it. Despite what your medical classes are telling you about needing oxygen through yawning, it was your Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam who advised on covering the mouth and resisting the yawn, by not letting out any noise. No (loud) “Ahhhsss!”

Number 2: Eating One-Third

The Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam taught us to eat using the one-third method. You don’t need much to sustain yourself; a few bites will usually do. If you are going to eat a meal, then one-third is the crucial number. One-third of your stomach should be for food, one-third for water, and one-third for breathing.

Realize that one of the most cunning tricks of syaitan is urging people to fill their stomachs beyond capacity. How many times have you eaten a huge meal only to feel like taking a nap afterwards? And how many times has this nap dissuaded you from the worship of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala?

Number 3: Spend Time with Energetic People

Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala says,

Be patient with those people who call upon their lord in the mornings and the evenings.

When you see a person going for salah (prayer) consistently, always in a state of worship and remembrance of Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala, you say to them, “Hey brother/hey sister, how about we go out for lunch? I’d like to spend time with you.”

Feed from their energy. Alternatively, if lazy people surround you, distance yourself from them, or give them da’wah, encouraging positive action. You want to pick the right people, because we tend to emulate those whom we befriend.

Do as your Prophet did and constantly seek refuge from Allaah from the laziness that syaitan uses to defeat the Muslims. When you find yourself reaching for that snooze button, a.k.a ‘the syaitan button’, remember the ploy against you and seek Allaah’s help to resist. You will have the strength to wake up for Fajr. Ultimately, laziness is a state of mind.

In conclusion, the one concept that ties this all together is honesty. Being honest about your laziness and sincerely striving to change is the first step in seeing results. The fact of the matter is that when Allaah commands us to do something, it is not possible to have excuses, and know that tasks put upon you are doable, for Allaah does not place a burden on a person more than they can bear.

You can do it, others have done it before you, and others continue to do it. Join the ranks of the energetic.

Ka’b ibn Malik radi Allaahu anhu, went to the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam after the Battle of Tabuk, and the hypocrites had been making excuses for their absence from the fighting. Ka’b had not participated in the battle and he thought that he too might come up with some excuse in order to save himself, but he realized that he could not lie to the Prophet of Allaah. He told the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam, “I have never had more energy or ability than this time, but I just didn’t go.”

And the prophet said,

“He is the one who is truthful.”

And by the potency of his honesty and sincerity, the Qur’an mentions that Allaah had forgiven Ka’b.

How do you truthfully word the reasons for your laziness? If the Fajr prayer has passed you by and the devil has urinated in your ears, do not place blame where blame is not due. Don’t make excuses like, “I had a long night.” Instead, say, “The truth is that the accumulation of my sins led me to miss Fajr. But this is not who I am. I am the slave of Allaah. Oh Allaah, tomorrow, with your permission, I will show you what I am going to do for your sake.” And so you make your repentance, you repeat your good intentions, and you continue until you reach those higher levels of energy.

I ask Allaah subhaanahu wa ta’aala to bless you with that energy and I pray and hope that you can make the same du’a for me.

How To Acquire Good Manners

By Shaikh Muhammad Ibn Saalih Al Uthaymeen

Good manners can either be present in someone naturally or they can be instilled into him (i.e. through learning). And we stated that inherent good manners are better than acquired good manners. We mentioned a proof for this which was the Messenger of Allaah’s (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) statement to Al-Ashaj bin ‘Abdil-Qais (radyAllaahu ‘anhu):

“Rather, Allaah has molded (i.e. created) you upon these two (noble characteristics).”
- Abu Dawood (no. 5335), Ahmad in al-Musnad (4/206), Muslim with only the first part of it (no. 25 & 26), and At-Tirmidhee (no. 2011)

It is also because good manners that are innate do not disappear from a human being whereas good manners that are acquired may vanish from a person in many instances since it requires constant practice and effort as well as exercise and hard work. It also requires that one be reminded of it whenever there occurs something that affects a human being. This is why when a man once came to the Messenger of Allaah (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and said to him: “O Messenger of Allaah, advise me”, he (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:

“Do not get angry.”

The man then repeated his request several times, upon which the Prophet continued to reply:

“Do not get angry.”
- Al-Bukhaari (no. 6116) and At-Tirmidhi (no. 2020)

The Prophet (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) also said:

“The strong person is not the one who wrestles and overpowers his opponents. Rather the strong person is the one who controls himself in times of anger.”
- Al-Bukhaaree (no. 6114) and Muslim (no. 107)

So a strong person is not someone who wrestles with people and overpowers them, He is someone “who controls himself in times of anger.” He takes hold of himself and restrains himself during instances when he becomes angry.

A person controlling himself in times of anger is considered a characteristic of good manners. So if you become angry, do not let your anger penetrate, rather seek refuge in Allaah from the accursed Devil. And if you are standing, then sit down. If you are sitting, then lie down. And if your anger increases, then perform ablution (wudoo') until it goes away.

A person may acquire and earn good manners by way of training (himself), working hard at it and through constant practice. So he may obtain good manners through one of the following methods:

FIRST:
By contemplating on the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Messenger. One should look up the texts that show the virtue of the particular noble characteristic that he wishes to characterize himself with. This is since when a believer sees some texts that praise a characteristic or action, he implements them.

Purification (of the soul) cannot be achieved except by way of the messengers as stated by Ibn Al-Qayyim when he said:

“Purifying the souls is harder and more difficult than curing the bodies. So whoever purifies his soul through exercise, hard work and being in isolation – all of which the messengers (rasul) did not come with – he is like a sick person that tries to cure himself based on his own opinion. Where is his opinion with respect to the expertise of a doctor?

The messengers (rasul) are the doctors of the hearts – there is no way to purify and rectify the hearts except through their way (sunnah), at their hands and by totally submitting and complying with them. And we ask Allaah for His assistance!”
- Madaarij As Saalikeen (2/300)

The Prophet (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) indicated this when he said:

“The example of a good companion and an evil companion is like that of a seller of musk and a blacksmith. The seller of musk either sells you (perfume), gives you free samples or you get a pleasing smell from him. As for the example of an evil companion – such as a blacksmith – he either burns your clothes or you get a nasty smell from him.”
- Al-Bukhaaree (no. 2101 & 5534) and Muslim (no. 146)

An-Nawawee said:

“This shows the virtue of accompanying righteous and good people – those who possess chivalry, good manners, piety, knowledge, and good behavior. It also shows the prohibition of accompanying evil people, innovators, and those who backbite people or who are very wicked and so on, i.e. other types of condemnable characteristics.”
- Sharh Saheeh Muslim: (16/394)

SECOND:
He should accompany those who are known for having good manners whilst staying far away from those who possess bad manners and poor actions. This is such that he turns this companionship of his into an educational institute that assists him in (his goal of) obtaining good manners. The Prophet (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:

“A man is upon the religion of his close friend, so let each of you look into whom he takes as a close friend.”
- Al-Bukhaaree (no. 2101 & 5534) and Muslim (no. 146)

THIRD:
He should reflect on the consequences that come as a result of having bad manners. This is since a person with bad manners is despised. A person with bad manners is forsaken. A person with bad manners is always talked about in a bad way. So when one comes to realize that bad manners will lead him to all of this, he will then keep away from it.

FOURTH:
He should always envision an image of the Prophet’s (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) manners and how he (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) would humble himself before the creation, being kind to them, forgiving to them and patient with their harm. So if a person visualizes the Prophet’s character and the fact that he was the best of mankind and the greatest of those who worshipped Allaah, he will then perceive a low image of himself and at this point the influence that arrogance has over him will be shattered and this will cause him to have good manners.

Allaah Jalla Wa'ala said:

"Verily, in the Messenger of Allaah you have a fine role model."
{Surah Al-Ahzaab 33:21]

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have Mercy on him) summarized the extent of the noble manners of the most honorable Messenger (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) in Madaarij As Saalikeen by saying:

The Prophet (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to greet the children when he passed by them.

Sometimes, a little girl would take him by the hand and he would allow her to lead him wherever she wanted.

He (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to lick his fingers after eating.

He (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) would be in the service of his family when at home.

Never would he become angry because of something personal.

He (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to repair his own sandals and mend his own torn clothes.

He would milk his goat himself for his own family. He would feed his own camel.

He used to eat with his servants, sit in the company of the poor people, and personally take care of the needs of widows and orphans.

He would be the one to initiate the greeting when meeting people.

He would respond to the humblest of invitations.

He (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) lived a very modest lifestyle, a man of soft manners, naturally kind, easy to get along with, having a pleasant smile on his face, gracefully humble, extremely generous but not wasteful, soft-hearted and gentle in his dealings with each and every Muslim, lowering the wings of humility to the believers, bearing their companionship in such a gentle way.

May Allaah make us among those who are the true followers of Muhammad Rasulullaah (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) in every aspect especially when it comes to good akhlaq (good manners).

Forgiving People

By Shaykh Saud Ash-Shuraym

All praise is due to Allaah, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings be upon the Messenger, his household and his companions.

Fellow Muslims! The most truthful speech is the Book of Allaah and the best guidance is that of Muhammad. The worst of all matters are innovations and every innovation is misguidance.

Dear brethren! Know that the life of this world is just an enjoyment and that the Hereafter is the abode of permanence.

“Fear Allaah, O men of understanding, in order that you may be successful.”
(Al-Maaidah 5:100)

Dear Muslims! Freedom of the heart and the mind from hatred and egoism is a sign of a righteous and amicable Muslim, who has no ill-feeling against anyone and is not jealous of anyone. He is selfless and knows that this world is just a transitory abode and not a permanent one. In his view, this world is nothing but a step stone to the Hereafter. What is the value of man in this world if his heart is filled with selfishness and harshness?

Many are those who are looking for ways to attain glory by all means. But there is a great source of glory that most people are oblivious of, though it is easily attainable: The key to that is a strong will and holding back one’s self from pursuing personal ego.

The desired glory can be attained through having sense of forgiveness. Being gentle-minded, having good opinion of others, excusing others, exonerating people, suppressing anger and forgiving others are some of the most important qualities encouraged by Islaam in human dealings. He who has these qualities deserves to be among the glorious and elevated people. The Messenger of Allaah said:

“No wealth is ever diminished by charity. Allaah increases a man who forgives others in nothing but glory and no one humbles himself except that Allaah elevates him.”
(Muslim)

According to the narration of Imaam Ahmad, the Messenger of Allaah said:

“If an injustice is done to a man and he overlooks it, Allaah will give him glory and victory with it.”

This is the essence of glory; O you who are looking for one!

It is a glory and exaltation in this world and in the Hereafter. This is so because Allaah has made a promise to those who possess these qualities when He says,

“And march forth in the way (which leads to) forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth, prepared for the pious: Those who spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves the good-doers).”
(Ali Imraan 3:133-134)

Dear brethren! Those who suppress their anger are those who do not vent their rage on people. They rather desist from bothering others and hope to get their reward from Allaah. Those who forgive are those who overlook the wrong done to them by others. They bear no grudge in their hearts against anyone. Whoever possesses these qualities should rejoice with the love of Allaah for him, for he has attained a level of righteousness and Allaah says:

“Allaah loves the righteous.” Allaah loves whoever is righteous; and if He loves someone He forgives him and shows mercy to him.

Fellow Muslims! Forgiveness is a symbol of the pure, righteous, deliberate and pleasant Muslim. Forgoing one’s rights is a kind of preferring the benefits of the Hereafter above that of this world. Being generous to others with pure a mind and out of piety commands their love and respect.

Forgiving others is not an easy matter. For, one has to fight and overcome one’s self-centredness and sense of revenge. This can only be achieved by the strong men who are able to overpower the desires of their heart even though they are able to express their anger. Allaah says:

“And indeed whosoever takes revenge after he has suffered wrong, for such there is no way (of blame) against them.”
(Ash-Shooraa 42:41)

Forgoing one’s right and having self-control are signs of overcoming the norms. This is where one stands distinguished from others. This is the real strong person that the Prophet praised, according to the hadeeth reported by al-Bukhaaree and Muslim. The Messenger of Allaah also said:

“Whoever suppresses his anger while he is able to express it, Allaah will call him in the presence of all creatures [on the Day of Resurrection] and ask him to choose of the houris [of Paradise] the ones he likes.”
(Ahmad)

Fellow Muslims! Since the day our distinguished religion encouraged adoption of sense of pardon and forgiveness, it did not do in a narrow sense. It rather makes it wide-ranging so that it can include many aspects of private and public interactions. Islaam encourages people of higher authority to adopt sense of forgiveness as part of their policy, for doing so is a sign of successful leadership. Allaah commands His Messenger to adopt this policy when He says:

“Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish (i.e. don’t punish them).”
(Al-A‘raaf 7:199)

Allaah also says:,

“And by the Mercy of Allaah, you dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allaah’s) Forgiveness for them; and consult them in the affairs.”
(Ali ‘Imraan 3:195)

This encouragement to adopt the sense of forgiveness is also extended where blood and requital are involved. Allaah says:

“But if anyone remits the retaliation by way of charity, it shall be for him expiation.”
(Al-Maaidah 5:45)

The spouses are also encouraged to demonstrate sense of forgiveness concerning bridal money if divorce occurs before the marriage is consummated. Allaah says,

“And if you divorce them before you have touched (had a sexual relation with) them, and you have appointed unto them the Mahr (bridal-money given by the husbands to his wife at the time of marriage), then pay half of that (Mahr), unless they (the women) agree to forego it, or he (the husband), in whose hands is the marriage tie, agrees to forego and give her full appointed Mahr. And to forego and give (her the full Mahr) is nearer to At-Taqwa (piety, righteousness).”
(Al-Baqarah 2:237)

People are encouraged to exercise sense of forgiveness when they transact with one another. The Messenger of Allaah said:

“Whoever frees a Muslim from a commercial obligation, Allaah will forgive his sins.”
(Aboo Daawood and Ibn Maajah)

The Prophet also informed us about a merchant who used to give loan to people. Whenever he realizes that one of his debtors was in a financially strained situation, he would command his workers:

“Write off some of his debt [or all of it], that Allaah may wipe off our sins. So, Allaah wiped off his sins.”
(Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

The spirit of forgiveness while dealing with others is generally emphasized in the case of a man who came to the Messenger of Allaah and asked him, “How many times shall we forgive [our] servants?” The Prophet did not respond. The man repeated the question and the Prophet yet did not respond. When the question was repeated again, the Prophet said:

“Forgive him seventy times every day.”
(Aboo Daawood and at-Tirmidhee)

Dear brethren! Forgiving others and overlooking their mistakes do not in any way mean weakness or submissiveness. It is rather an excellent example of bravery, doing favour to others and suppressing one’s desires, especially when this spirit of forgiveness is exercised in the time of strength.

Imaam al-Bukhaaree titled a chapter in his Saheeh concerning avenging the injustice with the saying of Allaah,

“And those who, when an oppressive wrong is done to them, take revenge.”
(Ash-Shooraa 42:39)

He then narrated that an-Nakha‘ee said, “The righteous predecessors did not like to be humiliated; but if they were capable of avenging a wrong done to them, they would forgive.”

Al-Hasan ibn ‘Alee said, “If someone insults me in this ear of mine and apologizes in the other, I would accept his apology.”

Ja ‘far as-Saadiq said, “To regret twenty times for forgiving people is dearer to me than to regret for punishing them once.”

Al-Fudayl ibn ‘Iyaad said, “If someone comes to you complaining about another person, tell him: ‘My brother, forgive him, for forgiveness is close to piety.’ If he says: ‘But my heart cannot bear that. I would rather take revenge as Allaah has commanded me.’ Tell him: ‘If you are able to take revenge in the best manner, you can proceed to do so; but if you are not, resort to forgiveness, for its gate is wide. He who forgives and amends, his reward is with Allaah. The one who forgives passes his night in his bed happily and contentedly but the one who takes revenge always ponders on these things. This is because; magnanimity lies in forgiving one’s brethren.”

However, there are some people whose hearts are so hardened that they cannot forgive anyone. Nothing in this life is more important to them than taking revenge. They are like permanent clouds. They are neither pleased with secret or public apology. They notice the slightest wrong done to them but they fail to consider the apology however clear it is. They would listen with one of their ears to some sayings and they would convulsively rage for what they hear, yet they would block the other ear from listening to any apology even it is backed with proofs.

He whose situation is this is an enemy of himself who have been subdued by the desire, thereby forcing him from the righteous quality of forgiveness to the abhorrent trait of seeking revenge. ‘Aaishah narrated:

“The Messenger of Allaah never beat any woman or servant with his hand. He never struck anyone with his hand except when he was fighting in the way of Allaah. Also, he never avenged any harm done to him, except if one of the sanctities of Allaah was being violated. Then he would take revenge for Allaah.”
(Muslim)

Though avenging an injustice is everyone’s right, yet forgiveness is perfection and piety. Allaah says:

“The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof; but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allaah. Verily, He likes not the Zalimun (oppressors, polytheists, and wrong-doers).”
(Ash-Shooraa 42:40)

Fellow Muslims! Fear Allaah as He should be feared and know that Islaam’s encouragement of sense of forgiveness is not restricted to what is outward and apparent. It should rather be adopted apparently and inwardly. A Muslim should not only give up his right to revenge, he should also forgive the offender from his heart. Allaah commands His Prophet:

“Overlook (O Muhammad (peace be upon him)) their faults with gracious forgiveness.”
(Al-Hijr 15:85)

There are many places in the Qur’aan where Allaah encourages both relinquishing the right to avenge and forgiveness. He says:

“But forgive them, and overlook (their misdeeds). Verily, Allaah loves good-doers.”
(Al-Maaidah 5:13)

He also says:

“But forgive and overlook, till Allaah brings His Command.”
(Al-Baqarah 2:109)

And He says,

“And let not those among you who are blessed with graces and wealth swear not to give (any sort of help) to their kinsmen, Al-Masakin (the poor), and those who left their homes for Allaah’s Cause. Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allaah should forgive you? And Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
(An-Noor 24:22)

Allaah also says:

“O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you (i.e. may stop you from the obedience of Allaah), therefore beware of them! But if you pardon (them) and overlook, and forgive (their faults), then verily, Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
(At-Taghaabun 64:14)

To overlook and forgive are some of the qualities of our Prophet. Where then are those who are ready to emulate him?! Where are those who have been overwhelmed by sense of revenge? Where do they stand regarding beautiful qualities of the leader of the Messengers?

The mother of the faithful, ‘Aaishah was asked about the character of the Messenger of Allaah. She answered,

“The Messenger of Allaah was never given to immoral sayings and deeds. Neither did he ever raise his voice in market places. He did never reciprocate a wrong done to him with the like. He would rather overlook and forgive.”
(At-Tirmidhee)

Allaah says:

“That which is with Allaah (Paradise) is better and more lasting for those who and put their trust in their Lord (concerning all of their affairs). And those who avoid the greater sins, and Al-Fawahish (illegal sexual intercourse), and when they are angry, they forgive.”
(Ash-Shooraa 42:6-37)

What Did You Say, Honey?

Negative Communication Patterns Can Destroy Your Relationship

by Amal Killawi

Communicating effectively is essential for building a happy family. Effective communication is a skill that should be acquired and practiced regularly because it reduces misconceptions and misunderstandings between family members and helps them avoid conflict.

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allaahu `alayhi wa sallam – peace be upon him) advised us to be gentle, kind, compassionate, and lenient in our dealings with one another. On the authority of 'Aisha (radi Allaahu `anha – may Allaah be pleased with her), the Messenger of Allaah (saw) is reported to have said:

“Allaah is kind and He loves kindness in all affairs.”
[al-Bukhari]

Successful communication strengthens the family bond and makes it less likely that issues will spill over into physical abuse. Communicating effectively begins with the couple. Regular, poorly handled conflict between parents is difficult on children.

Couples often fall into negative communication patterns if they don’t handle conflict well. Negative communication patterns can tear marriages and families apart, leading to unhappiness and divorce. Research has shown that negative patterns and behaviors have a much stronger effect on marriages than the positive ones. It is estimated that in order to maintain a happy marriage, a couple must engage in five to twenty positives for every negative (Gottman, 1993; Notarius and Markman, 1993).

The four main negative communication patterns are called the Communication Danger Signs. Couples should prevent or change these patterns if they want to build and maintain a successful marriage.

Communication Danger Sign #1: Escalation
Definition: responding back and forth negatively so that the conflict increases

We often begin talking about an issue calmly. Then someone says something to upset the other person, who then responds back negatively. The calm conversation soon escalates into an angry argument full of hurtful comments, loud voices, and intense emotions.

For example, let’s say Sarah returns from a meeting and finds the kitchen to be a mess. The following conversation might ensue:

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids. You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (getting upset) What do you mean I never clean up after myself? I make dinner all the time, and the kitchen doesn’t look like this! All you did was make a little bit of pasta!
Ahmad: (getting upset too, and becoming sarcastic) Of course! You’re right; all I did was make some pasta. I didn’t do anything else.
Sarah: (increasing in intensity) That’s right. You never do anything else. I have to do everything around here. I don’t know what I got from marrying you; just more work and more headaches.
Ahmad: (hurt) Ok, then maybe you shouldn’t have married me!

When we allow arguments to escalate, we say horrible things to each other even if we don’t really mean them. Unfortunately, some things we say can’t be taken back. What’s dangerous in the scenario above is that Ahmad and Sarah began talking about the dirty kitchen and ended up questioning their decision to marry each other. Because they were tired and stressed out, they let their conversation get out of control instead of hearing each other out and resolving a simple issue.

Solution: De-Escalate.

To change the negative pattern of escalation, do the opposite: de-escalate!

* Soften your tone. Change the way you’re speaking from harsh to calm and kind.
* Hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes or your husband’s shoes. Try to understand where they’re coming from.
* Give up the need to win.Winning is not going to bring any benefit.
* Call for a time-out. Agree to talk about it at a later time when everyone is calmer.

So, what could Sarah and Ahmad have done differently?

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids. You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (softening her tone) Actually, I do clean up. But I guess you’re pretty tired after work and dinner.
Ahmad: (calming down and acknowledging Sarah’s point of view) I am tired, but I know you hate a dirty kitchen. Sorry for the mess. Can you help me clean up later?
Sarah: Sure. Thanks for making dinner tonight.

The goal is to stop the negative process before it erupts into a full blown, nasty fight.

Communication Danger Sign #2: Invalidation
Definition: putting down the thoughts, opinions, or character of the other

When we talk with our loved ones, sometimes we subtly or directly put down their thoughts, feelings, or character. We disrespect them by calling them names, questioning their character, and de-valuing their opinions and feelings.

Invalidation can be subtle or extreme. Examples of subtle invalidation include: “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” or “Someone’s feeling a little insulted.” Examples of extreme invalidation include: “You’re such a loser” or “We should have you checked into a mental institution.”

Solution: Be Respectful.

The Quran tells us in Surah Al-Hujurat:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا يَسْخَرْ قَوْمٌ مِّن قَوْمٍ عَسَىٰ أَن يَكُونُوا خَيْرًا مِّنْهُمْ وَلَا نِسَاءٌ مِّن نِّسَاءٍ عَسَىٰ أَن يَكُنَّ خَيْرًا مِّنْهُنَّ ۖ وَلَا تَلْمِزُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَلَا تَنَابَزُوا بِالْأَلْقَابِ ۖ بِئْسَ الِاسْمُ الْفُسُوقُ بَعْدَ الْإِيمَانِ ۚ وَمَن لَّمْ يَتُبْ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الظَّالِمُونَ

"O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one's] faith. And whoever does not repent – then it is those who are the wrongdoers. "
(Surah Al Hujraat:11)

* Treat each other with respect. Give respect. Expect respect. Remember the famous hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (saw):

“None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”
[al-Bukhari, Muslim]

* Listen and acknowledge the other person’s words and point of view. Even if you don’t agree with everything your wife or husband says, you must still validate their feelings.
* Do over. When you realize you’ve blown it and said something that hurt the other person, just say: OK, let’s do that over. Immediately backtrack and talk about it in a different way.


Communication Danger Sign #3: Negative Interpretations
Definition: making negative and unfair assumptions about what the other person was thinking

Too often, we engage in mind-reading by making unfair assumptions about the other person’s intentions. Instead of looking for the positives, we make negative judgments about the other person’s thoughts and behaviors, believing that they purposely meant to hurt us. Because of negative interpretations we believe the worst instead of the best in each other.

We can do this in two ways:

1. Verbally: “You did not want my mother to come over, anyway” or “You couldn’t have cared less about what was important to me.”
2. Unexpressed thoughts which fuel our own anger: “She knows how much that bothers me, but she just keeps on doing it.” “He made me wait on purpose because he’s still angry about yesterday. How immature!”

Sami engaged in negative interpretations when his wife Amena told him that she wasn’t sure they could visit his parents during Eid. Amena was concerned about not having the financial means to cover the expenses of the trip, but Sami became extremely angry and assumed that Amena hated his parents and was trying to avoid spending time with them.

Interestingly, children learn to do this as well from their parents. For example, when Omar hit his brother Musa, Musa said, “I know Omar did it on purpose! It wasn’t an accident.” Everything is seen as intentional and personal.

Solution: Fight Back (against Negative Interpretations).

The Quran also tells us in Surat Al-Hujurat:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اجْتَنِبُوا كَثِيرًا مِّنَ الظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعْضَ الظَّنِّ إِثْمٌ ۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا وَلَا يَغْتَب بَّعْضُكُم بَعْضًا ۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمْ أَن يَأْكُلَ لَحْمَ أَخِيهِ مَيْتًا فَكَرِهْتُمُوهُ ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ تَوَّابٌ رَّحِيمٌ

"O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allaah ; indeed, Allaah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful."
(Surah Al Hujraat:12)

* Assume the best, not the worst.
* Give the other person excuses. Give them the benefit of the doubt. We all know the following saying: “Try to find up to seventy reasons for your brother/sister, and if you can’t, then say, “Maybe he has an excuse that I am not aware of!”
* Look for evidence to the contrary. Think of all the times the source of unhappiness didn’t happen or wasn’t true.
* Stay positive!

Communication Danger Sign #4: Avoidance and Withdrawal
Definition: unwillingness to engage in or stay with important discussions

Sometimes, we think it’s easier if we ignore the problem or end difficult conversations as soon as possible. During a discussion, we might withdraw by getting up and leaving the room, becoming quieter and then not talking, or agreeing quickly to some suggestion without any intention of following through. Sometimes, we might avoid the issue by preventing the conversation from happening in the first place. We can do that by changing the subject, not being available to talk, or just saying the subject isn’t important to talk about. Usually, one person pushes the issue while the other tries to avoid it or pull out if it.

There are some gender differences. Not always, but most commonly, men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue. Many men will abstain from discussing issues because they don’t want to get into a fight. They will withdraw and try to get away, while women will “turn up the volume” and try harder to get a response.

For example, Halima walks up to her husband Yusuf and says, “I really want to talk to you about helping around the house.” Yusuf tries to avoid the discussion and says, “I can’t talk about anything right now. I have to leave to the masjid.” Meanwhile, he’s looking for his keys. His wife becomes annoyed and says, “You never can talk about it, but I have to have some help.” Yusuf insists that he can’t talk, so his wife becomes angry and begins to yell. Yusuf becomes quiet and walks out the door.

Solution: Change the Cycle.

* Start a discussion gently and calmly.
* Don’t push the issue. If the other person starts to withdraw, then….
* Set aside a new time for the discussion.
* Talk with each other about the fact that avoiding a problem won’t make it go away

In the example above, Halima might have approached her husband during a better time and could have said instead, “We have to talk about this sometime. If you can’t talk about it now, what time would be better?” Similarly, Yusuf would have been better off making time to discuss the issue instead of ignoring it, as the problem would most likely never disappear and instead cause resentment in his wife’s heart.

Conflict is inevitable, but we can change our communication patterns.

Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience. How we choose to handle conflict will impact whether our relationships with our spouses and families are positive or negative. During any type of conflict, it is helpful to do the following:

1. Recognize the four Communication Danger Signs:

* Escalation
* Invalidation
* Negative Interpretations
* Avoidance and Withdrawal

2. Stop. Call for a time out.

3. Do something healthy to calm yourself down.
Prophet Muhammad (saw) provided us with the following strategies when feeling angry:

* Seek refuge with Allaah from Shaytan.
* Change your position. As recommended in a hadith, if you’re angry while standing, sit down. If you’re still angry, lay down.
* Perform wudu. As counseled in a hadith:

“Anger is from Shaytan, and Shaytan is created from fire, and fire is extinguished by water; so if one of you become angry, let him perform wudu.”
[Abu Dawood]

* Remain silent.

4. Call for “Time In” to finish the discussion safely.

When we are upset, we often don’t share what we are really thinking and instead say something to win or hurt the other person. To prevent this during a conversation, let us ask ourselves: “What is it that I want to accomplish?” If our goal isn’t to resolve the issue, then engaging in the four negative patterns will work well in destroying our relationships.

However, if our goal is to strengthen our relationships and move forward positively, then we need to counteract the four danger signs with effective communication that will allow us to express our concerns to one another in a gentle and respectful manner

May Allaah (swt) help us in communicating effectively, and may He strengthen our families.

The Praiseworthy Trial

By Shaykh ‘Alee bin Hasan al-Halabee

Many Muslims mistakenly think that when trials, misfortunes, and calamities strike them, then it is a proof for their high level of Eemaan (faith), or due to their elevated status, or due to the correctness of their Manhaj (methodology). And this is not necessarily the case – as will not be hidden. Rather, these trials and calamities may be a form of punishment due to an error, or as a result of idle speech – and we seek Allaah’s refuge. However, what is required for the Muslim, in all his affairs, is to seek refuge in Allaah and to think good of Him – the Most Perfect – and to devote oneself in asking Him for forgiveness and for well-being, whilst at the same time accusing oneself and blaming ones own soul.

So the reason for trials and misfortunes may sometimes stem from deficiencies in outlook, deviations in Manhaj or being distanced from that which is correct. And all of this – in their fruits – are counted as being from the sins and acts of disobedience – whose evil consequences are not known, except by the Lord of the worlds.

Results of Sin

Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (d.756H) – rahimahullah – said: “So from that which one must know, is that sins and acts of disobedience cause harm. And their harmful effects upon the heart is certainly like the harmful effects of poison upon the body – although the effects vary in levels of intensities. And is there in this world or the Hereafter any evil or harm except that it is due to sins and acts of disobedience?

So what was it that took the two parents out of Paradise – the home of delight, bliss, splendour and joy – to the home of pain, sorrow and misfortune?

And what was it that removed Iblees from the realms of the Heavens, causing him to be rejected and cursed; and transforming him inwardly and outwardly – so that his form became ugly and hideous – and his inward form is more hideous than his outward form; causing nearness to be changed to farness; mercy changed to being cursed; from being beautiful to being ugly; from being in Paradise to being in the Fire; from Eemaan to kufr (disbelief); from having the friendship and patronage of the praiseworthy guardian to being the greatest enemy and opponent; from glorifying Allaah and praising Him to doing acts of kufr, shirk, lies and deceptive speech; and from being adorned with Eemaan to being clothed with the garment of kufr, wickedness and disobedience, causing him to reach the deepest depths of despicability, and falling in the sight of Allaah – the Most High – to be upon him; making him an outcast – despised and humiliated – such that he became a leader for every sinner and criminal and becoming pleased with leadership for himself – all this happening after having reached the station of nobility and worship?! So, O Allaah, we seek refuge in You from opposing Your commands and falling into that which You have forbidden.

And what was it that caused all the people of the earth to drown, to the point that the water even rose over the mountain tops?

And what was it that caused the violent winds to overcome the people of ‘Aad, such that it flung them down dead upon the face of the earth, as if they were lopped-off palm trunks, and it destroyed whatever of their dwellings and crops it came across – thus making them an example for the nations until the Day of Resurrection?

And what was it that caused the clamorous shout to be set loose upon Thamood, such that their hearts were severed within their bodies and all of them died?

And what was it that caused the town of the homosexuals to be raised-up and turned upside down, such that they were all destroyed, and then stones from the sky pelted down upon them after that, so they suffered a combined punishment – the like of which was not given to any other nation? And for their brothers will be its like, and it is not far from the transgressors.

And what was it that caused the clouds of punishment to overcome the people of Shu’ayb, such that when these clouds were above their heads it rained scorching fire upon them?

And what was it that caused Fir’awn and his people to be drowned in the ocean; and caused their souls to be transported to Jahannum, so their bodies were drowned and their souls burned?

And what was it that caused the sinking down into the earth of Qaaroon, and also of his dwelling, wealth and family?

And what was it that caused the destruction of those generations after Nooh, and how they were afflicted with various punishments that caused their annihilation?

And what was it that caused the destruction of the companion of Yaa Seen, with the clamorous shout, which destroyed them?

And what was it that caused there to be sent against the Children of Israa’eel enemies of great strength and might, who plundered their homes, killed their men, enslaved their women, burnt their dwellings, seized their wealth and then returned again a second time – destroying what was rebuilt after the first onslaught?

And what was it that caused the various types of punishments to be set loose upon the Children of Israa’eel – killing them, enslaving them, destroying their land, sometimes causing them to be oppressed by kings, and at another time causing them to be transformed into apes and swines. And finally the Lord took an oath that:

“He would certainly keep on sending against them (the Children of Israa’eel), until the Day of Resurrection, those who will inflict them with a humiliating torment,”
[Surah Al A’raaf 7:167]” [Ad-Daa’wad-Dawaa’(p.44) of Ibn al-Qayyim]

I say: Indeed the cause of all this is deviation from the Sharee’ah (the Prescribed Law) of Allaah, acting in opposition to the Deen of Allaah, and deviating from the guidance of the Messenger of Allaah (sall-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). Indeed, it is authentically related from the Messenger of Allaah, (sall-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), that he said:

“When acts of disobedience become manifest in my Ummah, Allaah will cover them all with humiliation from Himself.” Umm Salamah said: Will there be no righteous people amongst them on that day? He said: “Yes, indeed!” She said: I said: Then what will be done with them? He said: “They will be afflicted with that which afflicts the people, then they will move on to forgiveness from Allaah and His good pleasure.”
[Ahmad (6/304) Majma’az Zawaa’id (7/268)]

So the whole matter, from start to finish, is just as Allaah – the Majestic – said: “And whatever of misfortunes and calamities befall you, it is because of what your hands have earned.”
[Surah Ash Shuraa 42:30]

Therefore, the righteous servant, when struck by a misfortune and calamity, is faced either with

[i] a praiseworthy trial – which will elevate him and his status in the sight of Allaah, or

[ii] a blameworthy trial – a form of punishment for him and a just reward for his evil actions.

Trials and Tribulations

The like of this was indicated by Imaam adh-Dhahabee (d.748H) in Siyar A’laamun-Nubalaa (8/72-73) when speaking about the trial of Imaam Maalik (d.197H), what he suffered in it and how he was severely lashed: “and his arm was wrenched until it became dislocated from its socket; and a great sin had been perpetrated against him. And it was said: By Allaah! Maalik never ceased to be held in high esteem.”

Imaam adh-Dhahabee commented upon this, saying: “I say: This is the result of a praiseworthy trial, and it elevates the status of the servant. And whatever the case, then it is what our own hands have earned, and Allaah pardons a very great deal.

“Whosoever Allaah intends to do good to, He brings misfortune and calamity upon him.”
[al-Bukhaaree (no.5645)]

The Prophet (sall-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) also said:

“Everything decreed for the Believer is good for him.”
[Muslim (no.2999]

And Allaah – the Most High – said:

“And We shall test you until We know those of you who strive hard in the path of Allaah and those of you who patiently persevere.”
[Surah Muhammad 47:31]

And He revealed, with regards to the battle of Uhud:

“When a single disaster struck you, whereas you struck them with a disaster twice as great, do you then ask: From where did this come? Say: It is from your own selves.”
[Surah Ali-‘Imraan 3:165]

And Allaah says:
“And whatever misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your own hands have earned. And Allaah pardons and forgives much.”
[Surah Ash Shuraa 42:30]

So the Believer – when he is tried – patiently perseveres, takes admonition, seeks Allaah’s forgiveness and does not preoccupy himself with blaming the one who has ill-treated him, since Allaah is just in His judgement. So he praises Allaah that his Deen has remained secure, knowing that the punishment suffered in this world is lighter and better for him.” [Siyar A’laamun-Nubalaa (8/73)]

Therefore, the Believer should not be hasty in rejoicing and becoming elated, merely because they are being made to suffer a misfortune or trial. Since this trial may be a punishment for some evil, or for some harm caused, and therefore it is not from the praiseworthy trial – about whom the Prophet (sall-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:

“The righteous may receive harsh treatment…”
[Ahmad (6/159), Ibn Hibbaan (no.2919) and also al-Haakim (4/319)]

Indeed, the Believer hopes for the mercy of Allaah, corrects his actions and seeks to steer his soul towards right guidance. And perhaps he will be one of those about whom the Prophet (sall-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:

“The people who receive the severest trials are the Prophets, then those most like them, then those most like them.”
[at-Tirmidhee (no.2398), Ahmad (1/185) and Ibn Maajah (no.4023]

And only Allaah guides to the path that is Straight.

Guidelines For The Husband In Interacting With His Wife

By Dr. Marwan Al-Qaisee

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply embedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundamentals of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn’t find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife’s easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

Guardianship of your wife doesn’t mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

Showing respect and kindness to your wife’s family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

There is nothing in the obligation of a woman’s service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses.

The Fundamentals Of Marriage

The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.

Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.

For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allaah increases the bond of love between them.

So when we love each other for the sake of Allaah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.

Forgiving

When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions "do you wish that Allaah should forgive you" they said, of course O Prophet of Allaah. He responded, "then forgive each other".

One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.

If we expect Allaah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.

Forget

When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Forbearance

Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allaah through Tawakkul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allaah states in Surah al-Asr:

"Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr'
(Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible

Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Friendship

This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

Friendly

Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.

Friends

The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.

Fun

Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.

Faithful

It is commanded by Allaah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.

The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.

Fair

Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allaah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

Finance

One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.

It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family

Family

Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.

Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.

Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.

A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .

Feelings

Prophet Muhammad stated that Allaah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.

Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

Freedom

Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.

Flirtation

A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.

Frank

Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Facilitator

When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allaah. This commitment to Allaah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allaah and His Deen.

Flattering

Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.

Fulfilling

To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

Fallible

It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allaah is perfect.

Fondness

So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.

Future

Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.

Verily, I was filled with Love for her…

By Al Musaafir

So you’ve known this sister/brother for a while now, and you’ve realized that you’ve come to love them and would like to get married to them. However, you’re stumped on what to do next. You feel guilty for feeling this way and think that you’re sinning. You have this feeling of sincere love inside you for them. You are not sure what their reaction will be. You do not know what to do, tell them how you feel or just conceal your love? You’ve realized that in all your days, every lecture you’ve attended, every book you’ve read, you haven’t been told about what to do when you feel like this. You begin to wonder what is the proper thing for me to do? You feel embarrassed to admit this feeling and feel scared to tell your friends much less your parents.

You aren’t the only out there who feels like this! Read on..

One of the most taboo subjects these days among our families and among ourselves generally, at least from what I’ve noticed is to speak about love. It has become quite a taboo where one who mentions it is seen in a different light (usually not a good one). There is this feeling of guilt when one feels this emotion and usually we are led to believe it is haram.

So the question comes, how do we deal with this feeling?

I know personally that I wouldn’t have the guts to go to my parents and tell them, “Mom, Dad, I want to get married to this sister, because I love her”. Or even if I did, I would go in wearing a helmet or something fearing the notorious backhand of doom. But this doesn’t mean that they are wrong, it is only that in our cultures this subject has become one which is not spoken about.

The fact is that we don’t hear about love in the Masjid and neither in our Halaqas. But love is something that was written books about by earlier scholars such as Ibn Hazm Al Andulusi (who is actually referred to as the Faqih of Love) who wrote Tawq Al Hamamah (Ring of the Dove) and Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah wrote Rawdatul Muhibbeen (The Garden of the Lovers). So why are we shy to ask about this today and learn the Islamic viewpoint on this subject? Why do we not ask about what Allaah has said about this and what Allaah’s Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam said about this?

Frankly, for some people when the word love is used, it is but a substitute for lust. Others think of it only in a universal sense as Love of Allaah and Love of the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam. But love is something that is broader than that. No doubt Love for Allaah and Love of the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam is something that, without it, we won’t have Iman.

However the love referred to here is the love between a man and a woman and it is something that if you are in it, it’s signs will show up on you.

Al Bousseeri said in his poetry:

“Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved),
Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain,
How do you deny love after the testimony,
Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses
as your tears and your illness.
Love indeed transforms pleasure into pain.”

> So What Does Allaah Say About Love?

Allaah says in the Qur’an:

“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.”
[Ar Ruum 30:21]

The key words in the verse are – Mawaddatan wa Rahmah – which translates as Love and Mercy. The interesting thing to note about this verse is to notice the location of this verse along with the verses that precede it and those that come after. Allaah mentions His Signs (Night/Day, Heaven/Earth, Man/Woman) and He puts the feeling of Love and Mercy between spouses in the same value as the creation of Heaven & Earth. Now then how can we ignore such a great Sign of Allaah?

> What is Love?

Ibn Hazm says describing the nature of love:

Of Love-may God exalt you! -the first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by Religion, nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God’s hands.
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

Love is of two types as the scholars have defined.

1 - Hubb
2 - Ishq

Hubb is the arabic word for love and it is made up of the letters Ha (ح) and Ba (ب). On a side note, to recognize the beauty of the arabic language, when one says Hubb, the Ha comes from deep inside the throat which almost chokes you (as love does) and when you end the word with Ba, the lips come together as if it were a kiss.

Ibn Qayyim differentiated between Hubb and Ishq. He said Hubb was pure and noble love whilst Ishq was a forbidden, beyond the limits type of love. He meant this was when someone would go to Haram measures to be with the one they love.

There are many reasons for falling in love. Ibn Hazm proceeds to describe the reasons of love:

If the cause of Love were physical beauty, the consequence would be that no body defective in any shape or form would attract admiration; yet we know of many a man actually preferring the inferior article, though well aware that another is superior, and quite unable to turn his heart away from it. Again, if Love were due to a harmony of characters, no man would love a person who was not of like purpose and in concord with him. We therefore conclude that Love is something within the soul itself. Sometimes, it is true, Love comes as a result of a definite cause outside the soul, but then it passes away when the cause itself disappears: one who is fond of you because of a certain circumstance will turn his back on you when that motive no longer exists.
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

Physical beauty is not the main cause of love, though yes it does help in falling in love and is a reason for love to grow between spouses. However, it is to be understood that Love cannot be limited to such, because if it were then there are many people that can never hope of getting married. In fact love is something deeper which comes from inside, a mercy that Allaah has placed into the hearts of His creation.

It is necessary for us who live in an environment surrounded by Haram to check our reasons for our love, whether we are loving them in a pure sense for the sake of Allaah (yes even for our spouses) or is it merely based on our desires and lusts. Lets make sure that our reason is the former.

> An Example of Love

The Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam when speaking about his wife Khadija said:

“Verily, I was filled with love for her.”

However, today we find that many of us are shy to express our love. In fact, many consider it a sign of weakness to say “I love so and so” and they consider it a blow to their pride to tell their spouse, “I love you”. But here and in other narrations (will be mentioned later) that the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam was not shy to express his love of his wife. And notice that he didn’t simply say, “I love her” and leave it at that, but he said, “I was filled with love for her” and this means that it was a true real love that he had for Khadija (Radiallaahu Anha) and that he was not shy to express it.

> So What is the Islamic Ruling on Love?

Love is not something forbidden. Ibn Hazm says in his awesome book, Tawq Al Hamamah:

“And yet, when was loving banned?
Did Muhammad so command,
Or is man forbidden it
By the words of Holy Writ?”

Meaning that neither did the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam forbid love nor was it forbidden by Allaah in the Qur’an.

Secondly, love in and of itself is not in our control. It is mentioned that the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam said when he used to allocate between his wives

“O Allaah, this is my distribution for what I have control of, but please don’t hold me accountable for something I cannot control (his love for A’isha.)”

This proves that even the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam loved some of his wives more than others and his love for one was something he could not control at times. Ibn Hazm mentions that someone said, “O ameer ul mu’mineen…I’m in love with her.” So then Umar (Radiallaahu Anhu) replied,

“It’s not in your hands, what can I do for you?”

Ibn Qayyim said in Al Jawab Al Kafi:

“As for loving women, there is no blame on a person who has love for them. On the contrary, it is part of his perfection (as a human being) for Allaah says “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put Love and mercy between you”

Ibn Jawzi says in his Dhaamul Hawaa:

“If you haven’t loved passionately or known the meaning of desire then get up and eat hay for you are nothing but a donkey.” & “You and the hard rock are equal.”

These quotes from Ibn Qayyim and Ibn Jawzi show that they not only considered love as something that occurs, but rather it is a sign of perfection. So when you feel love for someone, do not consider it as a flaw in yourself, rather it is a sign that you have a heart and it is a sign of your humanity. This emotion that is felt shows that there is mercy in you and that your heart is soft.

Ibn Qayyim also says:

“When we speak of rulings of love, we must describe two things. One is optional and one is not. The optional love is what leads to love (eyesight, association, etc.) and this is the love that you have to beware of (for it may lead to unlawful acts.) The non optional love, if it happens by the sudden look, or natural passions that develop, you cannot be blamed for it, but it’s how you react to it that Allaah will hold you to accountable for.”

Be careful when you are in contact with the one you love for it may lead to that which is forbidden and be mindful of Allaah.

Imam Muhammad Ibn Shaab az Zuhri said:

“The first love that was ever recognized and known is the love between Prophet Muhammad (salAllaahu alayhi wa sallam) and A’isha (Radiallaahu Anha)”

Masrouq (a narrator) would refer to A’isha (Radiallaahu Anha) in the following way:

“And on the authority of the Love of the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam” (Meaning A’isha (Radiallaahu Anha))

Nowadays when we think of love stories, the first that pops up in our minds in Romeo and Juliet. But what happened with them? They committed suicide. Their love was nothing more than Zina and had they lived on to get married they would have ended in a divorce due to the fact that their love never went any test such as marriage and it wasn’t for the sake of Allaah. The Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam said:

“For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.”
(Sunan Ibn Majah)

What sets apart the love of the Messenger and Aisha is the fact that they were married and in their marriage their love grew for each other.

Mentioned in Bukhari, narrated Abu Uthman:

Allaah’s Apostle sent ‘Amr bin Al As as the commander of the troops of Dhat-us-Salasil. ‘Amr bin Al-’As said, “(On my return) I came to the Prophet and said, ‘Which people do you love most?’ He replied, ‘Aisha.’ I said, ‘From amongst the men?’ He replied, ‘Her father (Abu Bakr)’.

Two things about this Hadith strike me the most. The first is that the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam is not shy to admit that the person that he loves the most is his wife Aisha (Radiallaahu Anha) And secondly when asked about from the men, he doesn’t simply say ‘Abu Bakr’ (Radiallaahu Anhu), but he still attributes it to Aisha (Radiallaahu Anha) by saying, ‘Her Father”. Indeed the love of the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam to Aisha (Radiallaahu Anha) was an example to us.

Other such narrations occur which show the Messenger’s salallaahu alaihiwassalam love for his wife. One that shows his humility to his wives is this one that is narrated in Sahih Al Bukhari on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Radiallaahu Anhu) who said,

“I saw the Prophet (salAllaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel).”

> What is the Correct Thing To Do if You’re in Love?

Love usually starts from the eye, and this is why Allaah has commanded

“Tell the believers to lower their eyes and protect their private parts…”
[an-Nur; 30]

Love at first sight is a fact and it does occur. The Messenger said

“The glance is a poisoned arrow of shaytaan. Whoever lowers his gaze for Allaah, He will bestow upon him a refreshing sweetness, which he will find in his heart on the day he meets Him.”
[Al Hakim]

Ironically we find in our times a representation of falling in love the little cupids that shoot arrows into hearts thus causing the stricken to have ‘fallen in love’.

There are many ways to fall in love, (Ibn Hazm even mentions that one can even fall in love whilst asleep!) but the key fact to remember is that, yes love is not forbidden and you won’t be held accountable for loving someone, but disobeying Allaah in expression of your love is Haram and it something we must be mindful of.

When you are in love, it’s signs will show up on you regardless of how much you try to hide them. Believe it or not, the scholars have actually written out a list about them (these are general):

* Eyes are wide open, they are smiling, looking towards the sky, not paying attention. Lost in Thought.
* The person talks too much about his beloved.
* When they are in presence of each other, full attention is given to each other.
* Lover usually hurries up to meet loved one.
* Sudden confusion/excitement at mere sighting of loved one.
* Everything else blanks out but the beloved.
* Stop sleeping at night and start daydreaming.
* Wasting the day.
* Weeping – Getting very emotional.

For two that love each other, the best thing is marriage as the Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam said:

“For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.”
(Sunan ibn Majah)

And marriage should not be put off by mere issues that conflict with a person’s preference if the preference is in matters that are the type that can be overlooked. The Messenger salallaahu alaihiwassalam said

“If a man whose practice of the religion and akhlaq satisfies you, asks you for your daughter in marriage, you should marry them; otherwise there will be corruption in the land.”
(Hasan – at-Tirmidhee)

And marriage is what is encouraged (and it’s the best option) because marriage is a test and within it there come many issues that put the love at test and it is also a cause for love to grow stronger. So it is said that real love begins after the ‘in love’ phase is over. Usually when two go in to marriage all is well for the first few months and then it starts to break down. Why? Because they fail to continue to keep this love up. The love becomes conditional and the value is lost. So they start worrying about their rights yet they forget their own responsibilities. The husband demands his rights and the wife hers and in the middle of this tug of war they lose their love for each other.

Here’s a tip to a successful marriage: Look towards your obligations, and do your utmost to fulfill them. Don’t look towards your rights – in fact, forget about them; and this is for both the brothers and the sisters. Go into marriage with a mindset that’s saying: “I’m going to fulfill the obligations that my Lord has obligated me to fulfill for His pleasure”. I can guarantee, Insha’Allaah, that if you were to enter into marriage with this attitude, anything that your spouse does for you (a gift, or roses, or cooks you your favorite dish etc.) will seem like a big deal and you’ll appreciate it a whole lot more. Why? Because you weren’t expecting it. A Muslim is always seeking from Allaah, and not from the creation. And if they don’t do anything special for you, you won’t feel put down. So seek from Allaah and expect from Him alone, you’ll never be disappointed.

Ibn Abbas said,
“I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her”
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir - Hasan]

But marriage is different topic, it is mentioned here only because it is the proper way to go for two who love each other.

>What if it’s a No?

Yes. This is the worst part about love. When your beloved does not want to return the feelings that you have for them.

Imam Shafiee has written a poem on this matter:

و من الشَقاوة أن تحبَ
و من تحبُ يحبُ غيرك
أو أن تريد الخير للأن
سان و هو يريد ضيرك

“And from misery is that you love,
and (the one) who you love, loves other than you,
or that you want good for a person,
and he wants to hurt you”.

Yeah this is the worst part of it, but there is not much that can be done at this state. Ibn Hazm (yes him again) has written regarding this:

And among the accidents of love is the violent anxiety and silencing intensity of feeling which overcome the lover when he sees the beloved avoiding him and eschewing him; and the sign of that is sighing, and lack of vivacity, and sobbing, and having deep sighs: and on that subject I have made a poem, from which I quote:

The beautiful patience is imprisoned,
And tears are bursting forth from the eyes!
The best that can be done at this state is patience for not everyone who has loved has been blessed with a return of the same emotion from the beloved. It’s tough, yes, very and if you were sincere in your love then it will give you many a sleepless nights and restless days but try and move on. Ask Allaah to replace this loss with something better.

> In Conclusion

I end this here with some advice for the brothers and sisters:

Brothers – If you love a sister, let her know (don’t go up to her when there’s a chance that you two will end up alone – in fact, in my humble opinion don’t go up to her at all. Send in a reconnaissance, i.e. your sister or someone likewise). If she’s understanding, she’ll appreciate it. Go to your parents and ask them to get you married (no matter how hard that is) and go about it the Halal way. Also as a side note, know that it is pointless to debate with women, they’ll end up winning. And don’t give her a hard time if she can’t cook. Aisha (Radiallaahu Anha) couldn’t cook either.

Sisters – If you love a brother, let him know (again as above, not when there is a chance that you two will end up alone). Insha’Allaah he’ll understand. Tell your parents about it (its even harder for you, I’m sure). If you have a brother try to get him to talk to the one you love. Keep it Halal. And lastly, know that the way to a man’s heart is through good food.
To end this I quote Ibn Hazm:

“The finest quality that a man can display in Love is continence: to abstain from sin and all indecency. For so he will prove himself to be not indifferent to the heavenly reward, that eternal bliss reserved by God for those who dwell in His everlasting kingdom, neither will he disobey his Master Who has been so gracious to him, in appointing him to be a creature worthy to receive His commandments and prohibitions, Who sent unto him His Messengers, and caused His Word to be immovably established with him-all this as a mark of His care for us, and His benevolence towards us.”
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

May Allaah grant us acceptance and understanding. May Allaah grant us spouses and childrens that would be the coolness of our eyes.

Barakallaahu feekum