Etiquette Of A Righteous Husband

Khutbah from Shaykh ‘Abdul Muhsin Al-Qasim, Imaam of Masjid An-Nabawi

Whoever comes from a kind and compassionate background will have a tender heart and so such men must bear in mind that their wife is the one who gave birth to his children, takes care of his wealth and maintains his secrets. So be kind to your wives and openly express your joy for smiling livens the heart and wipes away hatred and praising the wife for her appearance, cooking and adornment wins her heart. Moreover, Islaam has allowed husbands to lie to their wives in order to increase the love between them.

• Exchanging gifts is the key to winning a heart and is a reflection of ones love.
• Being easy upon ones wife, abandoning ambiguity and bad communication and arrogance are ways to achieve a lasting happy marital life. ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: “A man should be like a child with his wife, happy and easy going, but when he sits with men, he should act as they do.”
• Be an upright and straightforward man and your wife will thereby also improve and become more righteous, by the will of Allaah;
• do not look at that which is unlawful for you to do so, because the evil consequences of this sin will impact upon your house; Watching women on satellite television causes ones wife to appear ugly and unpleasant, and lowers ones rank in her sight, which is a reason why hearts become distant and love diminishes, which in turn causes conflicts to emerge.
• Deal with your wife as you would like her to deal with you in all areas, because it is natural that she would like you to be with her as you would like her to be with you, Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: “I like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I would like her to beautify herself for me.”
• Listen to your wife’s criticism with an open mind and heart because the wives of the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, would to discuss his opinions without him becoming angry.
• Also a husband should not take from his wife’s wealth without her permission, because it belongs to her;
• treat her kindly and be generous with her and do not be stingy; remember that your wife likes to talk to you regarding all her affairs, so be attentive and listen to her, indeed this is a reflection of perfect manners;
• never go home with a gloomy face because your children need to clearly see your love and sympathy; be kind to your children and make them enjoy your presence, guidance and instructions and always listen to them. Whenever the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallamwould see Faatimah, may Allaah be pleased with her, he would say “Welcome, O my daughter!” then he would seat her to his right or left. (Muslim).

Being kind to the members of ones household reflects real manhood, as Al-Baraa’, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: “I entered upon Abu Bakr, may Allaah be pleased with him, in his house; he saw his daughter ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, lying down with a fever, so Abu Bakr, may Allaah be pleased with him, kissed her on the cheek and asked: ‘How are you feeling my daughter?’ (Bukhaari).

Helping at home is a sign of ones faithfulness; ‘Aa’ishah may Allaah be pleased with her, was asked what the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam would do while at home, she replied, ‘He was just like any other human being, he would sew his garment, milk the sheep and serve himself.’ (Ahmad).

Being generous with ones family is the best charity that one can give and time spent with ones friends should not be at the expense of that with ones family, for they are worthier to spend ones time with.

• Never remind your wife with mistakes that she may have made, nor hint about her shortcomings;
• conceal your problems from the children because it has a negative affect on them and reduces the respect they have towards their parents.
• Anger is the cause of all disputes, and the relation between a man and his wife is far too valuable to ruin in a moment of anger; remain silent whenever you become upset and remember that forgiveness is closer to piety and wisdom, ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: “Women should be kept at home and their anger dealt with by remaining quiet.”

The rights of the wife are great and only a noble man will fully honour his wife and respect her. ‘Aa’ishah may Allaah be pleased with her, said: “The Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam would always mention Khadeejah, and he would always slaughter sheep, divide them, and then distribute it among her friends, He did this so much that I once said to him: ‘You act as though there are no other women apart from Khadeejah’” (al-Bukhaari).

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Guidelines For The Husband In Interacting With His Wife

By Dr. Marwan Al-Qaisee

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply embedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundamentals of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn’t find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife’s easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

Guardianship of your wife doesn’t mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

Showing respect and kindness to your wife’s family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

There is nothing in the obligation of a woman’s service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses.

The Islamic Dress Code

By Khalid Baig

What would you think of a home that provided no shelter and no privacy? What would you think of a meal that provided no nourishment and no energy? It does not take much to realize that if one were in the business of selling any of these he would go bankrupt very quickly. Yet, amazingly the rules seem to be different when it comes to another basic need: clothing, especially women's clothing. Every year fashion centers in Europe and America come up with the latest designs. And what have they designed? Another way of not covering the body; the dress equivalent of the home that provides no shelter and no privacy.

One might ask, if a person did not want to cover themselves why would they buy anything, least of all expensive fashions, to achieve that? If we think about it, we may see the tension between two forces. All human beings (except for the handful of deviants who call themselves naturalists) have an inborn sense of shame. People of all religions agree on the need to cover themselves in public. Yet we also find a force that promotes nudity. Large segments of humanity are caught between two impulses: to cover or not to cover. Our clothing designs reflect different levels of compromise between these opposing forces.

Why? What is going on?

Science cannot answer the question. It cannot trace the origins of forces that take place deep in our mind. In addition, most of the scientific establishment is still dominated by the followers of Mr. Darwin and Darwinism is a system of belief not science. Their beliefs keep them from dealing honestly with a simple fact: while all other animals have a skin that provides them protection against the elements, human beings don't. Monkeys can live without clothing, human beings cannot.

The Qur'an answers the question. Our bodies did not develop our skin--- so thin and fur free that it requires external covering for protection---because of some unexplained evolutionary accident. Our Creator designed it this way so we will always need clothing. He also put in us the sense of shame that forces us to cover ourselves. On the other hand, the first act of Satan was to cause Adam and Eve to expose themselves:

"So by deceit he brought about their fall: when they tasted of the tree, their shameful parts became manifest to them, and they began to sew together the leaves of the Garden over their bodies."
[Al-A'raf 7:22].

This is the source of the tension we see. Two opposing forces. Good and evil.

With that background we can understand the importance of clothing.

"Oh Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover your shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness---that is the best."
[Al-A'raf 7:26].

The address here is to all humanity, emphasizing thereby the universal human need to cover ourselves properly. The Qur'an then warns that Satan was not finished after his first attempt:

"Oh Children of Adam! Let not Satan seduce you in the same manner as he got your parents out of the Garden, stripping them of their raiment, to expose their shame."
[Al-A'raf 7:27].

Once we realize the nature of the dress issue, it is natural that we should turn to our Creator to seek guidance for the proper dress code. Qur'an and Sunnah have provided ample guidance on the subject which can be summarized in four essential principles.

1. Our dress must cover our body adequately. Again we cannot determine what is adequate coverage on our own, as any witness to the misery of those who have tried it can readily ascertain. Shar'iah, as always, takes us out of this misery by defining it for us. For men, it is the middle part of the body from navel to knee. For women, it is the entire body except hands and face. These parts must never be exposed to any other person (except in case of genuine need e.g. medical treatment). In addition, the cloth must be neither see-through nor tight fitting.

2. Our dress should provide adornment. It should provide for decent appearance. Our appearance should not be an eyesore for decent human beings. For men, this extends the coverage requirements to include most of the body. For women, the essential requirement is that their dress should identify them as respectable ladies who would be honored not harassed. Additionally, hijab rules aim at protecting them from the gaze of other men.

3. Our dress should establish our Islamic identity. At the least it should not identify us as followers of another religion. But, additionally it should positively identify us as Muslims.

4. The design of our dress must avoid three deadly sins: show off, arrogance, and self indulgence. These are very serious diseases of the heart in their own right that we must avoid at all times. Our garments provide an easy opportunity to nurture them. Hence the need to be extra cautious. One Hadith states

"Eat what you feel like and wear what you feel like. But avoid two things: extravagance and arrogance."
[Bukhari].

At the risk of stating the obvious one should be reminded that this Hadith establishes an overriding concern that limits our choices within the realm of what is considered halal. It does not do away with the distinction between halal and haram.

As one implication of this general requirement, men are also required not to wear their lower garments below the ankle (isbal). Many well-meaning Muslims today have been persuaded that this is a petty issue. This misgiving can be put to rest in a hurry if we just refer to the Hadith of Jabir bin Sulaym, Radi-Allaahu anhu, in Abu Dawood. He asked Rasulullaah (Sall-Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) for some advice when leaving him after his very first meeting. Of the six pieces of advice given him one was:

"Never let your lower garment go below the ankles because that is arrogance. And Allaah does not like arrogance."

Another was "Never belittle a good deed."

Islam has not prescribed a particular dress style, giving us ample room to accommodate our needs, circumstances and tastes. However, these principles are for everyone and forever. Any garment that accommodates these principles will be Islamic dress. This is Islamic formula to dress for success. Eternal success.

The Virtues Of Gentleness

Allaah says in the Holy Quran:

فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِنَ اللَّهِ لِنْتَ لَهُمْ وَلَوْ كُنْتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لانْفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ

"And by the Mercy of Allaah, you dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and hard-hearted, they would have broken away from about you. "
(Ali-Imran: 159)

So this was the secret of the Prophet’s (saw) success. It was his gentleness and kindness towards people that endeared their hearts to him, so much so that they would sacrifice their lives for him. But had he been severe and harsh with them, then they would have dispersed from around him. And it was the mercy of Allaah that caused His Messenger to be so kind and gentle.

The Prophet (saw) is reported to have said:

“Whenever gentleness is added to something, it adorns it; and whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it defective.”
(Sahih Muslim)

And:
"Indeed Allaah is gentle and loves gentleness, and gives due to gentleness that which He does not give to harshness. "
(Sahih Muslim, Ibn Majah)

He (saw) also said:

“Bashiroo wa laa tunaffiroo, yassiroo wa laa tu’assiroo – Give glad tidings (to the people) and do not repel them; make things easy and do not make them hard.”
(Sahih Muslim)

And ‘Umar (ra), when he became the Khalifah, made dua and said: “O Allaah, I am strict, make me soft.”

May Allaah grant us to have this quality as well.