By Abu Ayyoob Abdullah al-Ansari
Take the Test: How many of these characteristics describe you as a husband?
I Wake up my wife for Fajr.
I teach my wife, and I do all it takes for her to learn Islam.
I talk to my family about the example of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam and I strive to emulate his example as a husband.
I know it is my responsibility to help with housework and I give my wife days off and do the work she would normally do.
I assist my wife in the care of our children.
I am patient with my wife and I show her love and affection.
I speak to my wife in a kind, respectful and gentle manner.
I sit with my family and present topics for discussion.
I ask my wife for advice and I accept and appreciate getting constructive criticism from her.
I take my wife out for recreation and exercise.
When we seek out knowledge about marriage we see that the Qur’an and Sunnah have assigned tremendous importance to the marriage contract and have distinguished it above all other contracts. Indeed the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
“When a man marries, he has completed half of his religion and he needs only to fear Allaah to complete the other half.”
(At Tirmidhi 3096, Mishkat)
In the Qur’an, Allaah says,
“And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?”
[An Nisaa' 4:21]
Purpose of Marriage
Therefore, marriage must be entered into whole-heartedly and taken very seriously by each of the two partners, and both of them must be committed to making their marriage a success. A marriage is truly successful and prosperous only when it is mutually rewarding. Allaah suggests that both partners come together to cover, protect and beautify each other in the same way that a garment covers, protects and beautifies the one who wears it. [Al Baqarah 2:187] Through this metaphor, we understand that when two people get married, they cease to consider themselves individuals but instead as a couple – each person benefiting by the other equally. In order to flourish, there can be no hint of selfishness or refusal to compromise between them. There must be an agreement between the two partners that each of them will work together to solve whatever problems arise. They will assist one another and sacrifice in order to gain mutual happiness, pleasure and peace. This is the purpose and goal of marriage according to the Shari’ah. As the Lord of the Heavens and Earth has said,
“He it is who has created you from a single person and [then] He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her.”
[Al A'raaf 7:189]
Allaah has designated specific roles for both partners. Only when these rights are observed and these obligations fulfilled, can tranquillity descend upon the couple and security surround them in their certain success. If either of the two partners, out of ignorance or intention refuses to fulfill his or her duties and thereby does not honor the rights of the other, the household becomes a living Hell.
Unfortunately, this is a common situation today. Let us focus now on the responsibilities and desirable characteristics of a Muslim husband. Many brothers have never asked themselves:
“What are the rights of a wife upon her husband?”,
“What is my responsibility toward her?”,
“What do I owe her?”
Never asking these questions, or answering them with ignorance, causes many problems in Muslim households. What are the characteristics every man should possess in order to be a good husband to his wife? The example of the Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, is the ideal model. Let us look specifically at these characteristics and how we may achieve them in our lives.
Starting Point
First of all let us understand that Islam is a complete way of life which offers guidance for mankind in all matters. Allaah is the All-Knowing the All-Wise and He has taken account of everything which concerns us. He has included the solution to all of our problems in His Shari’ah. Nothing has been overlooked. The characteristics of a Muslim husband and the way to acquire them have been made clearer and easier to accomplish through the example of Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. Allaah says,
“Indeed you have in the messenger of Allaah a most excellent example of conduct for him who looks forward to the meeting with Allaah and the Last Day and remembers Allaah much.”
[Al Ahzaab 33:21]
Unfortunately many brothers interpret this in a limited way – they focus on what we know of the dress and physical attributes of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, and his Sahaba. There is no question that the best example of a husband and father is the Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. Why is it, then, that so many of us are so far from his example in this area? Could it be that other examples around us influence our behavior more? Do we believe that our financial contribution should represent our dedication to our families? Or have we deliberately ignored the model Allaah has provided us. Allaah has taught us that if we want to achieve Allaah’s pleasure in all spheres of life, the best example for us is His Messenger, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. Indeed, the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, himself has informed us that the excellence of his example encompasses and includes everything, especially his behavior toward his wives. He, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
“The best of you are those who are best toward their wives and I am the best of you toward my wives.”
(At Tirmidhi)
Piety & Fear of Allaah
This subject is not new. When Ata’ and Ubaydullah ibn Umayr once asked Aisha about the nature of Prophet Mohammed’ s behavior with her: “Aisha started to weep and said, ‘One night he stood up [intending to offer the night prayer] and said,
‘O Aisha, let me be alone so that I may worship my Lord.’ He stood up, purified himself and continued to pray and weep until the ground became wet. Bilal came and made the adhan. When he saw the Prophet crying, he said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah [why do] you cry, when Allaah has forgiven your past and future sins?’ Prophet Mohammed replied, ‘[Then, for that] should I not be a thankful slave?’”
(Ibn Hibban)
This is one example that demonstrates the intensity of our Prophet’s devotion to his Lord – his extreme piety and tremendous fear of Allaah. Any man, who wishes to emulate him, should start by emulating his taqwa (piety). For it is taqwa of the heart which serves as a foundation for good deeds, manners and morals and makes the observance of the rights of others easy. If a man really and truly wants to be a good husband to his wife, he must also possess fear of Allaah. If a man has the fear of Allaah, and it is this fear that most influences his relationship and his dealings with his wife, he fears what Allaah may do to him if he harms her or treats her in a way that is unjust and therefore will never mistreat her in any way – physically or verbally. He knows that he has to meet Allaah and answer for all that he has said and done.
Indeed this is why Hasan ibn Ali said when asked, “‘O Hasan I have a daughter. To whom do you think I should marry her?’ Hasan said, ‘Marry her to [a man] who [fears Allaah]; for if he [truly fears Allaah] and if he loves her he will honor her and [even] if he doesn’t love her, he will never oppress or abuse her [because he fears Allaah].’”
Education
Among the most important rights a woman has is her right to be educated about her religion. This responsibility is incumbent upon her husband. Therefore, one of the most desirable characteristics of a Muslim husband is that he himself is knowledgeable about Islam and teaches his wife whatever he knows. Why would any Muslim husband want to deny his wife this right? Is it not his wife who will guide his children as they grow? Isn’t she the one who teaches them about haram and halal? Isn’t she the one to see that they learn to pray and fast? Isn’t she the one who must protect her husband’s place and belongings in his absence according to Islamic guidelines? If her knowledge about the deen is limited, the entire family will suffer. Many men seek to shelter their wives from outside influences by forbidding them to participate in outside activities.
Many men may fear that if their wife’s emaan becomes stronger, she will object to his behavior or certain weaknesses in his character. These are reasons that should compel us to participate in her Islamic education, so as she learns, so will we. Couples can discuss topics that concern them and agree on how they will integrate new information into their family’s routine. With this type of cooperation, there is less room for misunderstandings, and less opportunity for one Muslim to feel superior to another within the household. This practice will draw the family members closer to each other and, more importantly, closer to Allaah.
“O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are [appointed] angels stern and severe, who do not hesitate to fulfill the commandments of Allaah [to inflict punishment upon the people of Hell] but [rather] they do [precisely] what they have been commanded [to do]!”
[At Tahrim 66:6]
We can see that taking an active role in our family’s Islamic education protects our families from the fire of Hell. We must strive to set the best example possible for our children, wives and brothers in Islam. It is only by taking personal responsibility, that we can improve the current state of the Ummah. We are creating Muslim communities where our children and grandchildren and brothers and sisters in Islam will find themselves flourishing or deteriorating in.
We must ensure that they have the means to flourish by improving our own knowledge of Islam and constantly sharing it with our families. We need not look far to see members of our Ummah who have failed to keep Islam as the central focus in their homes. Let us move forward by each of us looking at ourselves and asking Allaah to help us to achieve this goal.
If we fail to reach this goal, the consequences in the Hereafter are even more grave, especially for the husband. As the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
“Each one of you is a shepherd and every shepherd will be asked about his flock… and the man will be asked about his family.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
When the Day of Judgment comes, will our reasons for not educating our families be sufficient for Allaah? Will we be able to offer any excuse after Allaah and His Messenger have made it clear that educating our wives is a duty enjoined upon him that he will be asked about?
Brothers, do your wives read the Qur’an, Hadeeth and Seerah of Prophet Mohammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam? Do they understand their meanings? Do they practice what they have learned? It is our obligation to make certain that our wives have the opportunity and means to continuously increase their knowledge. To do so will not only please Allaah but will improve the relations of everyone in our homes, our Ummah, and insha Allaah the societies in which we live.
Presentation is key
Another responsibility of the Muslim husband is to assist his wife in obeying the commands of Allaah. If she should transgress the limits of Allaah, then it becomes his duty to advise her, admonish her and actually physically prevent her from doing so. However, it is the right of the wife that this admonishment be coupled with kindness and mercy. As Allaah says,
“And [it was] by the Mercy of Allaah, [that] you dealt gently with them. And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so overlook their faults, ask that [Allaah's] forgiveness be granted to them and consult with them in [the] affairs of the moment.”
[Ali Imran 3:159]
Therefore, if a husband is overbearing and insisting, his wife’s behavior will most likely not be corrected. She may even persist in her disobedience, returning his cruelty. Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, advised us to..
“...treat women kindly. [The] woman has been created from a rib [which is curved]. The most crooked part of the rib is the uppermost part. If you were to try [to force] it straight you will [certainly] break it and if you leave it as it is, it will remain curved. So [admonish] women kindly.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
So when a husband offers advise, or reminds or admonishes his wife, he must take this hadeeth into consideration and exercise his authority in a gentle manner in order to bring about the desired result.
A wife is an Advisor
The nature of marriage is one of a continuous growing relationships!
Take the Test: How many of these characteristics describe you as a husband?
I Wake up my wife for Fajr.
I teach my wife, and I do all it takes for her to learn Islam.
I talk to my family about the example of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam and I strive to emulate his example as a husband.
I know it is my responsibility to help with housework and I give my wife days off and do the work she would normally do.
I assist my wife in the care of our children.
I am patient with my wife and I show her love and affection.
I speak to my wife in a kind, respectful and gentle manner.
I sit with my family and present topics for discussion.
I ask my wife for advice and I accept and appreciate getting constructive criticism from her.
I take my wife out for recreation and exercise.
When we seek out knowledge about marriage we see that the Qur’an and Sunnah have assigned tremendous importance to the marriage contract and have distinguished it above all other contracts. Indeed the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
“When a man marries, he has completed half of his religion and he needs only to fear Allaah to complete the other half.”
(At Tirmidhi 3096, Mishkat)
In the Qur’an, Allaah says,
“And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?”
[An Nisaa' 4:21]
Purpose of Marriage
Therefore, marriage must be entered into whole-heartedly and taken very seriously by each of the two partners, and both of them must be committed to making their marriage a success. A marriage is truly successful and prosperous only when it is mutually rewarding. Allaah suggests that both partners come together to cover, protect and beautify each other in the same way that a garment covers, protects and beautifies the one who wears it. [Al Baqarah 2:187] Through this metaphor, we understand that when two people get married, they cease to consider themselves individuals but instead as a couple – each person benefiting by the other equally. In order to flourish, there can be no hint of selfishness or refusal to compromise between them. There must be an agreement between the two partners that each of them will work together to solve whatever problems arise. They will assist one another and sacrifice in order to gain mutual happiness, pleasure and peace. This is the purpose and goal of marriage according to the Shari’ah. As the Lord of the Heavens and Earth has said,
“He it is who has created you from a single person and [then] He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her.”
[Al A'raaf 7:189]
Allaah has designated specific roles for both partners. Only when these rights are observed and these obligations fulfilled, can tranquillity descend upon the couple and security surround them in their certain success. If either of the two partners, out of ignorance or intention refuses to fulfill his or her duties and thereby does not honor the rights of the other, the household becomes a living Hell.
Unfortunately, this is a common situation today. Let us focus now on the responsibilities and desirable characteristics of a Muslim husband. Many brothers have never asked themselves:
“What are the rights of a wife upon her husband?”,
“What is my responsibility toward her?”,
“What do I owe her?”
Never asking these questions, or answering them with ignorance, causes many problems in Muslim households. What are the characteristics every man should possess in order to be a good husband to his wife? The example of the Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, is the ideal model. Let us look specifically at these characteristics and how we may achieve them in our lives.
Starting Point
First of all let us understand that Islam is a complete way of life which offers guidance for mankind in all matters. Allaah is the All-Knowing the All-Wise and He has taken account of everything which concerns us. He has included the solution to all of our problems in His Shari’ah. Nothing has been overlooked. The characteristics of a Muslim husband and the way to acquire them have been made clearer and easier to accomplish through the example of Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. Allaah says,
“Indeed you have in the messenger of Allaah a most excellent example of conduct for him who looks forward to the meeting with Allaah and the Last Day and remembers Allaah much.”
[Al Ahzaab 33:21]
Unfortunately many brothers interpret this in a limited way – they focus on what we know of the dress and physical attributes of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, and his Sahaba. There is no question that the best example of a husband and father is the Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. Why is it, then, that so many of us are so far from his example in this area? Could it be that other examples around us influence our behavior more? Do we believe that our financial contribution should represent our dedication to our families? Or have we deliberately ignored the model Allaah has provided us. Allaah has taught us that if we want to achieve Allaah’s pleasure in all spheres of life, the best example for us is His Messenger, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. Indeed, the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, himself has informed us that the excellence of his example encompasses and includes everything, especially his behavior toward his wives. He, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
“The best of you are those who are best toward their wives and I am the best of you toward my wives.”
(At Tirmidhi)
Piety & Fear of Allaah
This subject is not new. When Ata’ and Ubaydullah ibn Umayr once asked Aisha about the nature of Prophet Mohammed’ s behavior with her: “Aisha started to weep and said, ‘One night he stood up [intending to offer the night prayer] and said,
‘O Aisha, let me be alone so that I may worship my Lord.’ He stood up, purified himself and continued to pray and weep until the ground became wet. Bilal came and made the adhan. When he saw the Prophet crying, he said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah [why do] you cry, when Allaah has forgiven your past and future sins?’ Prophet Mohammed replied, ‘[Then, for that] should I not be a thankful slave?’”
(Ibn Hibban)
This is one example that demonstrates the intensity of our Prophet’s devotion to his Lord – his extreme piety and tremendous fear of Allaah. Any man, who wishes to emulate him, should start by emulating his taqwa (piety). For it is taqwa of the heart which serves as a foundation for good deeds, manners and morals and makes the observance of the rights of others easy. If a man really and truly wants to be a good husband to his wife, he must also possess fear of Allaah. If a man has the fear of Allaah, and it is this fear that most influences his relationship and his dealings with his wife, he fears what Allaah may do to him if he harms her or treats her in a way that is unjust and therefore will never mistreat her in any way – physically or verbally. He knows that he has to meet Allaah and answer for all that he has said and done.
Indeed this is why Hasan ibn Ali said when asked, “‘O Hasan I have a daughter. To whom do you think I should marry her?’ Hasan said, ‘Marry her to [a man] who [fears Allaah]; for if he [truly fears Allaah] and if he loves her he will honor her and [even] if he doesn’t love her, he will never oppress or abuse her [because he fears Allaah].’”
Education
Among the most important rights a woman has is her right to be educated about her religion. This responsibility is incumbent upon her husband. Therefore, one of the most desirable characteristics of a Muslim husband is that he himself is knowledgeable about Islam and teaches his wife whatever he knows. Why would any Muslim husband want to deny his wife this right? Is it not his wife who will guide his children as they grow? Isn’t she the one who teaches them about haram and halal? Isn’t she the one to see that they learn to pray and fast? Isn’t she the one who must protect her husband’s place and belongings in his absence according to Islamic guidelines? If her knowledge about the deen is limited, the entire family will suffer. Many men seek to shelter their wives from outside influences by forbidding them to participate in outside activities.
Many men may fear that if their wife’s emaan becomes stronger, she will object to his behavior or certain weaknesses in his character. These are reasons that should compel us to participate in her Islamic education, so as she learns, so will we. Couples can discuss topics that concern them and agree on how they will integrate new information into their family’s routine. With this type of cooperation, there is less room for misunderstandings, and less opportunity for one Muslim to feel superior to another within the household. This practice will draw the family members closer to each other and, more importantly, closer to Allaah.
“O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are [appointed] angels stern and severe, who do not hesitate to fulfill the commandments of Allaah [to inflict punishment upon the people of Hell] but [rather] they do [precisely] what they have been commanded [to do]!”
[At Tahrim 66:6]
We can see that taking an active role in our family’s Islamic education protects our families from the fire of Hell. We must strive to set the best example possible for our children, wives and brothers in Islam. It is only by taking personal responsibility, that we can improve the current state of the Ummah. We are creating Muslim communities where our children and grandchildren and brothers and sisters in Islam will find themselves flourishing or deteriorating in.
We must ensure that they have the means to flourish by improving our own knowledge of Islam and constantly sharing it with our families. We need not look far to see members of our Ummah who have failed to keep Islam as the central focus in their homes. Let us move forward by each of us looking at ourselves and asking Allaah to help us to achieve this goal.
If we fail to reach this goal, the consequences in the Hereafter are even more grave, especially for the husband. As the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
“Each one of you is a shepherd and every shepherd will be asked about his flock… and the man will be asked about his family.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
When the Day of Judgment comes, will our reasons for not educating our families be sufficient for Allaah? Will we be able to offer any excuse after Allaah and His Messenger have made it clear that educating our wives is a duty enjoined upon him that he will be asked about?
Brothers, do your wives read the Qur’an, Hadeeth and Seerah of Prophet Mohammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam? Do they understand their meanings? Do they practice what they have learned? It is our obligation to make certain that our wives have the opportunity and means to continuously increase their knowledge. To do so will not only please Allaah but will improve the relations of everyone in our homes, our Ummah, and insha Allaah the societies in which we live.
Presentation is key
Another responsibility of the Muslim husband is to assist his wife in obeying the commands of Allaah. If she should transgress the limits of Allaah, then it becomes his duty to advise her, admonish her and actually physically prevent her from doing so. However, it is the right of the wife that this admonishment be coupled with kindness and mercy. As Allaah says,
“And [it was] by the Mercy of Allaah, [that] you dealt gently with them. And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so overlook their faults, ask that [Allaah's] forgiveness be granted to them and consult with them in [the] affairs of the moment.”
[Ali Imran 3:159]
Therefore, if a husband is overbearing and insisting, his wife’s behavior will most likely not be corrected. She may even persist in her disobedience, returning his cruelty. Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, advised us to..
“...treat women kindly. [The] woman has been created from a rib [which is curved]. The most crooked part of the rib is the uppermost part. If you were to try [to force] it straight you will [certainly] break it and if you leave it as it is, it will remain curved. So [admonish] women kindly.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
So when a husband offers advise, or reminds or admonishes his wife, he must take this hadeeth into consideration and exercise his authority in a gentle manner in order to bring about the desired result.
A wife is an Advisor
The nature of marriage is one of a continuous growing relationships!
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